Monday, January 18, 2010

For My Straight Guy Readers... All One of Them

Watching Vikings games, one inevitably gets several shots of perky cheerleaders, not unlike the woman above, shaking their pom poms and making the internationally recognized sound for a good time "woooooo woooooo". Despite the official job responsibilities of leading cheers, we all know that they are there simply for the visual amusement of straight guys under the influence of a few beers and hot dogs. I think that straight men must get some sort of arousal or other cheap thrill from watching the cheerleaders. This perplexes me to no end and really proves, if you had any doubt at all, that I am most certainly at the furthest reaches of the homo end of the Kinsey scale. I just don't get it.
When I see cheerleaders dancing around in tiny unattractive little outfits, I think:

1. Put some clothes on. There are little girls watching who might think this is a legitimate means of self expression.

2. Quit dancing like that. Those moves -watched by the same little girls who already want to dress like whores due to your influence- end up in dance recitals in Fridley where, frankly, they just don't know any better.

3. Hey, you with the blond spiral perm flipping your hair just that much harder than your teammates, quit trying so hard to stand out. It is not 1990. The spiral perm's days are long over and you look desperate.

4. Did you not get enough attention from your father? I base this remark on my experience working with an actual Minnesota Viking cheerleader at a former job. This gal had to be counseled by her manager to wear skirts that covered her butt cheeks. She once crawled under my desk in one of these short skirts to look at cabling, then emerged to say "Oh, that's right. That doesn't work on you." She also got married in a big Martha Stewart style wedding and started an affair with a co-worker who was engaged to his pregnant fiancee within 6 months of getting hitched. SEEK THERAPY. WEAR CLOTHING.

5. Even though you might be a rocket scientist, your hardest job must be trying to look only sexy and not smart for roughly 4 hours every Sunday.

So, to my one straight guy reader and the husbands of my lady friends, let me ask you this:

Do you see the same things I see when I look at cheerleaders? And, if so, are they still fun to look at?


Wahkonamama said...

When IO see the cheerleaders I usually think, "girl, look into microdermabrasion" because... yikes. Lots o' spackle.

My future sister-in-law was a Vikings cheerleader in the late 90s, prior to the full-on skank outfits. I once pissed her the heck off with a scathing blog post about how cheesy and pointless NFL cheerleading is. You nailed it with the attention thing. I would love to share stories if I could.

What I have come to realize is that there are more opportunities to ogle the man candy (Adrian Peterson's thighs and toosh, ahem) than the cheerleaders during a Vikings game.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

The best cheerleaders to look at are college gals. It's not a job to them, it's a passion.

Mnmom said...

I think all the above. All the above. They are so incredibly pointless.

Mnmom said...

John says "I don't think anyone really looks at them". No doubt, he'd never know if they disappeared entirely. Even if the game is boring he watches it, and not the cheerleaders.

brenda k said...

My husband, bless his heart, asked me during one of the last football games we watched, "What is the purpose of that, I mean really?"

Highschool cheerleaders have a place in my opinion, but in professional games, cheerleaders are alot like the red sprinkles on a sugar cookie - amusing, at first glance, but....just give me the cookie, please, keep the extra sugar I just want the cookie.... ;)

SouthernFemaleLawyer said...

I, too, am concerned about the effect on my toddler daughter, which is why I scream "WHORES!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs whenever they flit by on the screen.

I feel it very important for girls to understand the difference between whores (bad - doing X for some reason/gain) and sluts (right on - doing X because you want to).

In the interests of full disclosure: (1) I was a cheerleader in high school, (2) I had a spiral perm in 1990, and (3) most lawyers (including myself at times) are brain whores.

thenest said...

The Saints cheerleaders looked like Vegas hookers. Uff-da. They were terribly sparkly. Yikes.

Paul Hanstedt said...

I think they're hot. Wooo-hoooo!

Just kidding. I look at this one, actually, and wonder if she knows she needs a nose job.

PS--Am I THE straight guy? I'm beginning to suspect that I'm not the only one . . .

PPS--My word verification for this comment was "bustin." How funny is that?

Anonymous said...

Joy often comes after sorrow, like morning after night...................................................

Melinda June said...

Seek Therapy. Wear Clothing. Talk about words to live by.