Watching Vikings games, one inevitably gets several shots of perky cheerleaders, not unlike the woman above, shaking their pom poms and making the internationally recognized sound for a good time "woooooo woooooo". Despite the official job responsibilities of leading cheers, we all know that they are there simply for the visual amusement of straight guys under the influence of a few beers and hot dogs. I think that straight men must get some sort of arousal or other cheap thrill from watching the cheerleaders. This perplexes me to no end and really proves, if you had any doubt at all, that I am most certainly at the furthest reaches of the homo end of the Kinsey scale. I just don't get it.
When I see cheerleaders dancing around in tiny unattractive little outfits, I think:
1. Put some clothes on. There are little girls watching who might think this is a legitimate means of self expression.
2. Quit dancing like that. Those moves -watched by the same little girls who already want to dress like whores due to your influence- end up in dance recitals in Fridley where, frankly, they just don't know any better.
3. Hey, you with the blond spiral perm flipping your hair just that much harder than your teammates, quit trying so hard to stand out. It is not 1990. The spiral perm's days are long over and you look desperate.
4. Did you not get enough attention from your father? I base this remark on my experience working with an actual Minnesota Viking cheerleader at a former job. This gal had to be counseled by her manager to wear skirts that covered her butt cheeks. She once crawled under my desk in one of these short skirts to look at cabling, then emerged to say "Oh, that's right. That doesn't work on you." She also got married in a big Martha Stewart style wedding and started an affair with a co-worker who was engaged to his pregnant fiancee within 6 months of getting hitched. SEEK THERAPY. WEAR CLOTHING.
5. Even though you might be a rocket scientist, your hardest job must be trying to look only sexy and not smart for roughly 4 hours every Sunday.
So, to my one straight guy reader and the husbands of my lady friends, let me ask you this:
Do you see the same things I see when I look at cheerleaders? And, if so, are they still fun to look at?