How do I know?
1. I made something cute. Sickeningly so. See photo. I am not a "cute" sort of guy, but spring is not coming fast enough. Must have bright sun and flowers. And apparently birdhouses. Send help.
2. Speaking of birdhouses, I bought two little unpainted birdhouses with the intent to paint them. If they end up looking like the little quilt I made, please come shoot me.
3. I am almost physically sick that we might get 6-9" of new snow tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow would be a great sick day. Damn. I don't do that
4. I didn't slap a woman at a party last night that was bragging to me that while in Paris with her husband, the French were coming up to her and asking for directions, because, she said, "We just don't look like Americans." You're right. You look like a pretentious asshole with a nice scarf and good frames. Stop it already.
5. I didn't slap the host of the party when I found out that he "keeps" his boyfriend, who lives in Greece, so he will be able to come to the U.S. at a moment's notice or meet him at his condo in Mexico. The host is not some crusty old troll with money. No. He is a very handsome, smart, friendly man in his late 30's with money. Huh? I guess when you pair no self esteem with no ambition and throw in old family money, you get couples like this. Without the money, they would be living in a trailer court and throwing chairs around on Dr. Phil.
6. I didn't slap our friend, whose birthday party it was, for hanging out with these people. I did slap myself for going to the party when I got home.
7. I bought olive loaf at the deli counter the other day. There was something nostalgic about it at the time. It really is just bologna with some nasty green, pimento stuffed olives extruded into a loaf shape.
8. I am in a serious mid-life crisis as it relates to my career. I cannot imagine doing what I'm doing for the next 20 some years. Curt is there with me too. Why can't I get paid for petting dogs or overeating?
9. I am humorless and crabby in a bad way. I'll get over it. Until then, I'm unbearable. Poor Curt.