I Know Its Sunday but...

...let me start by telling you about Friday.

So, I have been sorely behind in my training for the Bike Northwoods tour that I am undertaking in July. Friday, I had the day off of work and decided that I should try to get in some biking before the weekend. So, I head off to the Elm Creek Park Reserve, unload my bike and off I go. Well, about 5 miles in, I'm playing around in the big gear and cruising at about 26 mph, shift down for an upcoming hill and suddenly, automatic transmission. Okay, not really automatic transmission, but basically every pedal rotation, I'm changing the back gear set up and down. FRICK! That was not the word I used, but close enough. So, I stop my bike, call up my bike shop and ask for some advice. They give me good advice, but it didn't work. So, I gingerly pedaled my bike back to the car. Grannies are passing me, which is embarrassing since I'm in my whole serious biker get-up, spandex and all. (I still believe that spandex is a privilege, not a right, but when it comes to prostate preservation, you just have to wear the biking shorts.) Anyway, so I empty my bike bag and put the cell phone and my wallet on top of the car, load the bike in back and head off to the bike shop.
About a mile down highway 169, I'm cruising along at about 60 mph and catch something in my rear view mirror. I look just in time to see my wallet explode on the highway behind me. Now, I carry a fat man wallet, full of receipts and punch cards to coffee and lunch places and membership cards and credit cards and all of this has exploded behind me on a busy highway. So, I pull over and go running up the side of the highway, occasionally darting between cars to grab a flying $20 or a credit card or a receipt. I look really cool in my spandex out there bending over for all the world to see my giant spandex ass picking up the contents of my wallet. FRICK!
Just as I'm about done, two cop cars pull over and ask what's going on. By the way, this was the only time that traffic even bothered to slow down. Anyway, I explain to them what happened, we have a good chuckle and I say, "Well at least it was only my wallet and I found everything." The female cop says, "Yeah, it could have been something really valuable like a laptop." To which I chime in, "Or a baby", proving once again that given the opportunity to leave well enough alone, I will usually say something completely stupid instead. There was a long pause broken by the male cop who said, "Yeah, I guess that could happen." Then they looked at each other until the male cop wished me a nice day and sent me on my way. He then proceeded to follow me to the bike shop about another mile down the road, just in case I should throw out an infant or something. Oh, and the cell phone was still on top of the car. Go figure.
The bike shop got me fixed up (a twisted chain link) and I was back in business for the 150 mile weekend we had planned and have since finished. We got rained on 6 times, cold rain mind you, but thanks to high performance clothing that wicks away moisture, we were dry in a short while. Well, almost dry. I assure you that as a man, there is little less comfortable than biking shorts with a cold wet chamois lodged between your legs. Saturday, we rode from Moose Lake to Duluth and back. Today, we rode from Moose Lake to Hinkley and back. My ass is sore and I suspect I may not be able to walk tomorrow, but we had a good time. Oh, and one of the party said a word I hadn't heard since college- queef. I don't even know that I spelled it right, but what a nasty word. It came up during a conversation about farting during oral sex. Just in case you're wondering, I was tucked in my bed at this point and not part of that conversation, but had a good laugh about it anyway.
Enough for now, but remind me, if I don't tell you later, about why I have a shiner on my left eye. No, not domestic abuse, something much less interesting.

A Day Off

Hooray! A day off! Working for Lutherans, I get Good Friday off. The best religious holiday is one that I don't have to celebrate. Yippee! Did you know yesterday was a religious holiday too? Yes, it was Maundy Thursday. Who knew? Here is a conversation I had at the end of the day yesterday:

Co-worker: I've got to run. My parents drove to town and are waiting for me at my house.

Me: Are they up for the whole weekend?

Co-worker: Yup.

Me: Do you have any thing fun planned? Shopping? Dining?

Co-worker: Well, we're going to church for the Easter weekend, starting tonight.

Me: Why on earth would you go to church tonight?

Co-worker: Maundy Thursday.

Me: Oh. Yeah. Sorry, I'm a poor excuse for a Lutheran. You know, even worse than a Christmas-Easter Lutheran. I'm a wedding-funeral Lutheran. (ha ha ha)

Co-worker: Oh.

Me: So what exciting stuff happens on Maundy Thursday?

Co-worker: Well, they've started washing of feet at my church.

Me: Gross. Do parishioners wash each other's feet?

Co-worker: No, the pastor does it.

Me: What a crappy job.

Co-worker: (silence- as I have forgotten that his father is a retired Lutheran minister)

Me: I wonder if anyone ever comes in with, you know, nasty feet, or intentionally gets them good and funky just so the pastor has a really humbling experience, since that is kind of the purpose of it.

Co-worker: Yeah. Now that I think about it, that is a crappy job. (Laughs) Would you mind shaving off that callous while you're down there, pastor?

Thank god he had a sense of humor. Sometimes, I just don't know when to shut up though. I'm such a heel.

A Great Yesterday

Hooray! The sun was out yesterday, which meant that Curt and I had a fantastic day out in our yard and patio. Partly sunny and 70 on October 20th. Aaah.
We first put our outdoor furniture under tarps for the winter, an exercise in which we both have distinct roles. I am the "Tetris Master" for my ability to creatively stack the furniture. Curt is the "Tarp Master" and has the job of covering the stuff and tying down the tarps. He rarely offers opinions on my portion of the work. I, on the other hand, always have an opinion about how we could tarp better. Stupid me. I offered a few suggestions yesterday and took way too long to catch on the fact that I was better off keeping my big mouth shut for the sake of our union.
While Curt was finishing the tarping, I moved to the shed, which seems to look like a war zone by the end of the summer. So, I removed just about everything that wasn't already hanging on wall and put it out on the lawn. Then I set about building some simple crafty storage solutions and installed some big hooks. All the stakes and posts are now stored neatly in a cage between two wall studs. Same with some window screening. The two big patio umbrellas are now hanging horizontally- one over the back wall and one neatly over the top of the wall with the window. Slick. After some more implements went up on hooks, the multiple pails stacked, rolled fencing placed in a large ceramic pots, we ended up with lots more room that before- even room for our huge new generator. Hooray! Curt was thrilled, but just looked at me funny when I suggested a moment of silence for this great moment in shed history.
In the evening, we went with a group of friends to see Elizabeth- The Golden Years. It was a visual feast and a great little film even with the historical embellishments.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to The...

...farmer's market. Okay, so it's Sunday morning at about 8:30 a.m. and I am driving to the farmer's market. I'm on a two lane one way street in the left lane (with the parking lots on my left) and there is an older maroon Toyota in the right lane just a few feet in front of me. As the parking lot entrance approaches on my left, the maroon Toyota starts turning in to it from the right lane causing me to slam on my brakes in order to miss the idiot driving the Toyota. I was WILDLY UNHAPPY and laid on the horn a few times, vocalized some choice words loudly, then followed the moron in to the parking lot. To get the market, I have to walk right in front of idiot driver's car. Without paying much attention, I say rather loudly "Do you ever LOOK before you change lanes???" Rather quickly, the passenger door opens and I'm soon face to face with a ferocious looking 4' 5" Hmong grandma. Actually, it was really more like my sternum to her face, but it felt much worse because she was having none of my ranting. So, I let it go and moved on quickly to start and finish my shopping because I'm certain that within minutes grandma is going to go to all the Hmong vendors, make them raise their prices just for me, then spit on my produce. Bad grandma.
But that's not all. When I cross the street there are three guys looking at me. A few things are pretty clear to me about these guys:
1. They have no real interest in the market beyond waiting for their wives to get done.
2. My near miss is the coolest thing they've ever seen before 9:00 a.m.
3. There was some look in their eyes that said they wanted to bond with me over my near death experience. (I dramatize, but you never know what could have happened without prompt braking.)
Sure enough, as I approach them they start smiling and laughing and saying things like "Do you need any witnesses?" "That was pretty cool." "Do you want us to beat 'em up?" I reply by saying it has taken me 20 years to get used to Minnesota drivers and I'm still surprised. I also advise them to watch for the car's occupants and let me know if they can take them in a fight. They were still chuckling as walked away, but I imagine they caught a glimpse of grandma shortly thereafter and instinctively knew she could kick all their asses in about 30 seconds. Bad mean grandma.

What Do You Think?

One of my favorite comedians is Kathy Griffin. She, in my opinion, would be the ultimate party guest. Lately, she's in the news for her Emmy speech which is below:

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Suck it, Jesus. This award is my god now."

So, everyone in the country is going nuts on her. She got censored when the show aired. Christian groups are flipping out and taking out full page ads in USA Today. What the hell??

First of all, I thought this was hilarious. She was being flip and outrageous which are her trademarks. There is nothing in her statement that bashes Christianity. It might be borderline offensive to tell someone's diety to suck it, but have a sense of humor people. I personally believe that if dieties exist, they have a sense of humor about themselves. After all, they're just sitting on their asses watching the world go by anyway, so they should have some entertainment.

Second, obviously this is not polite tea talk, but is it wrong to talk about what you don't believe? Yeah, it mocked the folks that were up there thanking Jesus for everything, but so what? Listen to that hog Bill O'Reilly on Fox to hear mocking of my beliefs. I know he is a stupid hog, so I'm not wasting my money on a full page ad or stamp for that matter. If a neo-pagan got up and thanked a pantheon of gods by name, wouldn't Christians have gone just as crazy? Screw their intolerance, double standards and hypocrisy. Oh, and suck it, (insert your favorite diety name here).

Am I Messed Up for Thinking This?

I need the input of some people who are more socially well adjusted than me on this one. Please, if I'm insane and headed for trouble, let me know.

A very dear old friend recently had a ruptured diverticulum and required surgery resulting in a temporary colostomy. After several rough days, she is doing much better. She happens to be possibly the funniest person I know with a great ability to laugh at herself. So, what I was thinking was that I would sew her some colostomy bag cozies with different themes: An Evening Out (gold sequins), Trailer Park (holds a pack of cigarettes and lighter), Holiday (Halloween, Hannukah), etc.

So, the question is, am I completely twisted, or would she think this is as humorous as I do?