Friday, November 26, 2010

The Truth About Boys: Part II

In Chapter I, we covered some truths about boys.  In Chapter II, I will tell you some dos and don'ts about the dating world.  Ready?  Let's begin.

DO:  keep yourself open to finding romantic love, but...

DON'T:  be desperate and lonely and print it on a t-shirt or post it to Facebook every fourth minute that you're looking for a boyfriend.  For one thing, you are too young to think that you're going to be alone forever and for another, you will make yourself prey for freaks and stalkers and abusers by being desperate for anyone.

DO:  keep a close circle of friends.  If you don't have a good circle of friends, make friends first before you think about dating seriously.  It doesn't have to be 20 friends, maybe just 2-3 really good friends. Why?  Because, if you start dating seriously and don't have friends, that is all you'll have. 

DON'T: have your boyfriend be your only friend.  Isolation in a relationship is a bad thing.  If he is a creep, there is no one around to tell you and if you are in that position, you likely aren't socially astute enough to figure it out for yourself.  And, if it ends- which if you're 25 or under is likely- you'll have no friends to fall back on.

DO:  listen to your friends when it comes to boys.  If these are good friends, they will be your first warning sign that a boy is a creep.

DON'T:  keep friends who aggressively flirt with or try to steal your boyfriend.  These girls are called skanks and have personal issues that need some work.  You are not their therapist and do not need to keep them around if they won't back off.  These women will grow up to be divorced, bar hopping, cigarette smoking cougars by the time they hit 40.  It is so not worth your time.  Worse yet, if you are the one who is stealing your friends' boyfriends, then you are a skank.  Seek therapy.  Now.

DO: respect yourself.  If a boy says things that hurt your feelings, belittle you, make you feel stupid, confront it right now.  Everyone makes mistakes and it is likely that the boy didn't know that he hurt your feelings or made you feel bad.  So, forgive.  But...

DON'T: allow a boy to consistently make you feel less than the great, valuable, smart, beautiful girl that you are.  A pattern of this behavior cannot be fixed without years of adult therapy and maybe not even then.  A boy who tries to control and diminish you through verbal or physical abuse is a mess and a creep and will likely be one forever.  This behavior in boys does is also unlikely to make them successful adults at work or in other relationships.  This will fuel further resentment, leading to worse behavior and plunge them even further in to the depths of asshole-ism.  Dump these boys fast.

DO:  respect your body.  Every young person wants sex as much as the next.  However, you, young lady, have much, much, much more to lose when you become sexual.  I'm not preaching abstinence here.  I'm saying, be smart, know yourself and be cautious.   As I mentioned in Chapter 1, if you put out, expect boys to talk about it.  That might be okay, however, if you put out a lot with more than one boy, you will quickly get a very hurtful reputation that is unfair and ugly and may take years to overcome.  It is a hideous double standard that girls get called awful names for being sexual while boys are congratulated for it, but it is just plain fact. In this culture, girls just don't get to be as sexually open as boys, or at least as vocal about it. Your mother might have told you that boys don't like loose girls.  Well, that's wrong.  Boys LOVE loose girls.  But, they don't love them in the way that you want to be loved.  Be smart.  Be kind to yourself.

DON'T:  EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER let a boy take a nude picture of you.  EVER!  DO YOU HEAR ME??!!??   I don't care how much you trust him. I don't care how hot you think it is.  A single nude picture WILL come back to haunt you whether it is next weekend or five years from now.  DON'T BE STUPID!  Worse yet, DON'T EVER take a nude picture of yourself and e-mail it to a boy unless you want the entire campus to see it. That is just plain foolish and desperate.  If you have done this and it is too late, change your name and move to another country.

DO:  Be patient.  Enjoy yourself now. A romantic relationship isn't the fix for anything.  It will come.  If you have fun now, focus on building lasting friendships, taking care of your mind, body, studies, career, there will one day be an equally stable, confident, successful, interesting boy that will look at you and say "Damn.  Check out that stable, confident, successful, interesting, sexy chick.  I want to hang with her for the rest of my life."  It will happen for you- maybe not tomorrow, but eventrually.

That's enough for now.  In Chapter III, we will discuss why you need to observe a boy in the world before you get too involved.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Truth About Boys: Part I

Some of you have daughters to whom I've given my advice about dating boys in high school and college.  The very abridged version is this:

Boys are smelly and worthless until they turn 30 or so.  It is true.  Don't argue with me.  I know what I'm talking about.

So, in the interest of public service, here is Chapter 1 of the much less abridged version of my standard talk to young women:

The Truth About Boys: Chapter 1
When it comes to boys, I know a thing or two.  What makes me qualified to talk to you about boys?  Here's the top three:

1. Having been one myself, I can speak from some experience.  I won't always admit to having exhibited the less charming behaviors shared with those of my youthful sub-species, but I can certainly relate. 

2.  I have always had lots of women friends and have observed through their relationship starts and stops the amusing, sickening, endearing and occasionally creepy and dangerous behavior of young men.

3.  I am gay and in my youth dated / mated with other young men and was the young man other young (and not so young) men have dated. 

So, with my qualifications out of the way, let's move on to boy truths:

Boy Truth #1:  Boys smell.  I wish this weren't true, but it is.  Around age 13 when the puberty hormones start surging through a boy's body, the B.O. switch also gets flipped. Sadly, because boys go through puberty at a much slower rate than girls, boys will naturally stink well into their college years.  (Secret:  Boys of all ages LOVE the smell of their own B.O. and when really pitted out will take deep whiffs of their pits. They don't like the B.O. of others, but relish in their own funk.)

Boy Truth #2:  Boys don't understand personal hygiene.  This is the related truth to "boys smell."  The only reason that boys get engaged in personal hygiene is that their mom or female classmates clue them in to the fact that they stink.  So, they begrudgingly sign on to wearing deodorant under their arms and showering more than twice a week.  Eventually, around age 25, it does occur to them that wooing the young ladies is easier when clean.  So, girls, DO NOT SETTLE FOR SMELLY BOYS.  Demand showering, use of hygiene products, clean hair, clean fingernails, etc.

Boy Truth #3:  Boys are sensitive creatures and easily hurt.  Even though they have been trained by society to hide their emotions, boys have them.  They also experience them with the same crazy ass intensity that girls do.  You just might not see them and the boys, depending on how deeply they've been conditioned to believe that masculine mystique, may not even know they are having them.  This is why boys sometimes act like complete dildos in situations where girls might slam a door or have a cry fest or eat chocolate.   So, girls, be nice to boys, but within limits.  We'll talk more about that  in a later chapter.

Boy Truth #4:  When boys are hooked on you, they are hooked.  Hard.  The attachment boys feel to girls (or other boys they date) can be even more deep than what girls feel for boys.  Why?  Boys typically have fewer outlets for their emotions that girls. Once a boy feels safe enough with you to honestly share his feelings and let down his guard, you may be stuck with him for a while.  Boys also confuse this safety, typically found in deep friendship of all types, with love. Unfortunately, boys can also associate this safe feeling with a mommy sort of love.  Uh uh.  Don't let it go there.  Boys need lots of time to mature and figure out how to be equal partners with girls without making them their mommy or their whore. (More on that later too.)  So, girls, be friends with guys, but don't get caught up in the notion that you will find your one true love in high school.  Boys aren't ready.  But if you must go down the path of dating a boy, know what you're in for and be ready for all that comes with a hooked, love struck boy.  This doesn't mean you need to put up with any shit.  And as I said before, we'll talk more about that later.

Boy Truth #5:  Boys are 100% obsessed with sex.  I am not exaggerating here one bit.  From the time they realize around age 13 that touching themselves feels good and an orgasm is this out of this world (and messy) experience, boys think about very little but sex.  And, it is unlikely that they will outgrow this.  It is just that as men age there are a few other things to distract them from thinking about sex all the time-  work, driving, mowing the lawn.  But these are only distractions.  And, girls, you have to be careful with the young man.  EVERYTHING from age 13 to about 25 will give a boy an erection- holding his hand, sitting next to him, putting your arm around his shoulder, EVERYTHING.  So, if a boy gets up awkwardly or covers up his front with his jacket, just try to ignore it. He's got a woodie and he can't help it.

Boy Truth #6:  Boys cannot be trusted with sex.  In my adulthood, I cannot be trusted around a bag of chocolate chips. Curt can hide them, but I will find them and eat them every time, but I do it in shame.  This is sort of like boys and sex.  Given the opportunity, boys will do or say anything to have sex.  They will even pretend to be in love with you.  However, the difference between the chocolate chips and sex comparison is that boys will ALWAYS admit to having had sex, whereas I will lie about having eaten the whole bag of chips.  Yes, girls, even if you think you can trust a boy to be discreet about your sexual experimentation, HE WILL TELL EVERY OTHER BOY HE COMES IN CONTACT WITH and you will get funny, horny looks from all these boys for about the next year.  Even worse, he will exaggerate wildly.  If you let a boy touch your breasts, he will tell his friends you had a threesome with you and your mom, who is a complete cougar.  It's true.  They are pigs about this stuff.  If you choose to put out in any way, it is not unreasonable to threaten to cut the boy's balls off if he tells his friends.  However, he has to believe you in order for this to be effective.  Show him the knife you intend to use.  That will help. 

Enough for now.

Coming up in Chapter 2 of the Truth About Boys.... Dos and Don'ts for Dating Boys