Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Truth About Boys: Part I

Some of you have daughters to whom I've given my advice about dating boys in high school and college.  The very abridged version is this:

Boys are smelly and worthless until they turn 30 or so.  It is true.  Don't argue with me.  I know what I'm talking about.

So, in the interest of public service, here is Chapter 1 of the much less abridged version of my standard talk to young women:

The Truth About Boys: Chapter 1
When it comes to boys, I know a thing or two.  What makes me qualified to talk to you about boys?  Here's the top three:

1. Having been one myself, I can speak from some experience.  I won't always admit to having exhibited the less charming behaviors shared with those of my youthful sub-species, but I can certainly relate. 

2.  I have always had lots of women friends and have observed through their relationship starts and stops the amusing, sickening, endearing and occasionally creepy and dangerous behavior of young men.

3.  I am gay and in my youth dated / mated with other young men and was the young man other young (and not so young) men have dated. 

So, with my qualifications out of the way, let's move on to boy truths:

Boy Truth #1:  Boys smell.  I wish this weren't true, but it is.  Around age 13 when the puberty hormones start surging through a boy's body, the B.O. switch also gets flipped. Sadly, because boys go through puberty at a much slower rate than girls, boys will naturally stink well into their college years.  (Secret:  Boys of all ages LOVE the smell of their own B.O. and when really pitted out will take deep whiffs of their pits. They don't like the B.O. of others, but relish in their own funk.)

Boy Truth #2:  Boys don't understand personal hygiene.  This is the related truth to "boys smell."  The only reason that boys get engaged in personal hygiene is that their mom or female classmates clue them in to the fact that they stink.  So, they begrudgingly sign on to wearing deodorant under their arms and showering more than twice a week.  Eventually, around age 25, it does occur to them that wooing the young ladies is easier when clean.  So, girls, DO NOT SETTLE FOR SMELLY BOYS.  Demand showering, use of hygiene products, clean hair, clean fingernails, etc.

Boy Truth #3:  Boys are sensitive creatures and easily hurt.  Even though they have been trained by society to hide their emotions, boys have them.  They also experience them with the same crazy ass intensity that girls do.  You just might not see them and the boys, depending on how deeply they've been conditioned to believe that masculine mystique, may not even know they are having them.  This is why boys sometimes act like complete dildos in situations where girls might slam a door or have a cry fest or eat chocolate.   So, girls, be nice to boys, but within limits.  We'll talk more about that  in a later chapter.

Boy Truth #4:  When boys are hooked on you, they are hooked.  Hard.  The attachment boys feel to girls (or other boys they date) can be even more deep than what girls feel for boys.  Why?  Boys typically have fewer outlets for their emotions that girls. Once a boy feels safe enough with you to honestly share his feelings and let down his guard, you may be stuck with him for a while.  Boys also confuse this safety, typically found in deep friendship of all types, with love. Unfortunately, boys can also associate this safe feeling with a mommy sort of love.  Uh uh.  Don't let it go there.  Boys need lots of time to mature and figure out how to be equal partners with girls without making them their mommy or their whore. (More on that later too.)  So, girls, be friends with guys, but don't get caught up in the notion that you will find your one true love in high school.  Boys aren't ready.  But if you must go down the path of dating a boy, know what you're in for and be ready for all that comes with a hooked, love struck boy.  This doesn't mean you need to put up with any shit.  And as I said before, we'll talk more about that later.

Boy Truth #5:  Boys are 100% obsessed with sex.  I am not exaggerating here one bit.  From the time they realize around age 13 that touching themselves feels good and an orgasm is this out of this world (and messy) experience, boys think about very little but sex.  And, it is unlikely that they will outgrow this.  It is just that as men age there are a few other things to distract them from thinking about sex all the time-  work, driving, mowing the lawn.  But these are only distractions.  And, girls, you have to be careful with the young man.  EVERYTHING from age 13 to about 25 will give a boy an erection- holding his hand, sitting next to him, putting your arm around his shoulder, EVERYTHING.  So, if a boy gets up awkwardly or covers up his front with his jacket, just try to ignore it. He's got a woodie and he can't help it.

Boy Truth #6:  Boys cannot be trusted with sex.  In my adulthood, I cannot be trusted around a bag of chocolate chips. Curt can hide them, but I will find them and eat them every time, but I do it in shame.  This is sort of like boys and sex.  Given the opportunity, boys will do or say anything to have sex.  They will even pretend to be in love with you.  However, the difference between the chocolate chips and sex comparison is that boys will ALWAYS admit to having had sex, whereas I will lie about having eaten the whole bag of chips.  Yes, girls, even if you think you can trust a boy to be discreet about your sexual experimentation, HE WILL TELL EVERY OTHER BOY HE COMES IN CONTACT WITH and you will get funny, horny looks from all these boys for about the next year.  Even worse, he will exaggerate wildly.  If you let a boy touch your breasts, he will tell his friends you had a threesome with you and your mom, who is a complete cougar.  It's true.  They are pigs about this stuff.  If you choose to put out in any way, it is not unreasonable to threaten to cut the boy's balls off if he tells his friends.  However, he has to believe you in order for this to be effective.  Show him the knife you intend to use.  That will help. 

Enough for now.

Coming up in Chapter 2 of the Truth About Boys.... Dos and Don'ts for Dating Boys


Mnmom said...

I think you'd better publish this. These truths about boys extend well into college too.

kirelimel said...

When do we get to the middle-aged boy truths?

wait, you may have just covered it. Sorry.

wonderful- I will have my girls read it when they are showing an interest. And then I will send them to you for a full review. And I will give you permission to rap their knuckles if they don't listen.

ShannonK said...

sending link to my daughters and my "extra" daughters. Love your post, as always. =)

kitty said...

wow that is just how i feel.
about boys it not that i hate them
its just that well i do not even no what to about them any more

Coaster Punchman said...

Hmm, not sure I agree with you on the hygiene bit. The boys I knew in high school and college were fairly obsessed with showering (and not just for obvious reasons....)

michaelg said...

@CP- the boys you grew up with were strange.

myrtle said...

OMG! well i think this is the truth about your post.=)

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