Monday, June 7, 2010

Kiss this, Miley Cyrus!

Last week, the buck-toothed, marginal talent known as Miley Cyrus made "news" by kissing one of her female backup dancers during a performance on Britain's Got Talent. To that I say two things:

1. Who the hell cares?
2. Is this supposed to be shocking?

In truth, famous women kissing women hasn't been really shocking for about 20 years since Madonna kissed that androgynous babe in the Justify My Love video- which, by the way, was BANNED from MTV at the time. Can you believe that considering all the skank that has since followed? Since then many pop tartlets have kissed women and, much to my surprise and dismay, continue to get attention for it. I don't understand it. Why is gay still an attention getter in 2010? Frankly, it is becoming offensive to forever play the gay card as provocative or even interesting. You're no lesbian, Miley. Don't even try it.

The other thing that really bugs me about this is that, like many pop tarts before her, Miley Cyrus is attempting to use sexuality to prove her relevance, maturity, and edginess. First you had Britney Spears doing a suggestive school girl in the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" video followed by a deep descent into talentless skankitude. Then Christina Aguilera hopped aboard the whore train and basically wore nothing for years. And so on and so on until Nelly Furtado comes out with a song years after the whore train has come and gone with the completely desperate title of "Promiscuous" off a CD titled in equally bad taste "Loose." Good god. Why do famous young women feel the need to prove themselves through sexual suggestiveness and clothing choices that make them look like mindless, manufactured hormone-driven morons?

So, back to Miley. Here is my advice to her:

1. If you're wearing a beautiful dress, STAND UP STRAIGHT. (See illustration above.) Are you having an abdominal cramp? Shoulders back! Now!

2. Try becoming famous for your talent, which takes real work, not your antics.

3. Little girls still look up to you. I know you're trying to break with your Disney image, but don't think that looking cheap and behaving like dumbass are the paths to maturity. You're 17. Let maturity come to you. You have time.

4. Don't let videos of you giving a lap dance to your 44 year old manager surface on the internet.

5. And finally, your relationship with your father gives just about everyone on earth the creeps. Don't hang on him or let him hang on you any more. Ever. There's just something wrong there that no one wants to put their finger on.