America's Next Top Model: The Demise of the Autistic Girl

This is sort of a catch up update in the ANTM saga. A sad three weeks it has been. Heather (autistic girl) was asked to speak and model- a spokesmodel. Who knew that pretty girls could do that? Wow. Anyway, a few weeks back, the girls were challenged to be a design student's muse, after which a dress would be designed just for them. Well, Heather, being autistic and socially awkward, was not so inspiring. Then they had to do a runway show and describe for the crowd how they inspired the dress. Heather sort of hated her dress because she is a fire sign and the dress was very watery. I guess that makes steam. Whatever, Heather. Anyway, she choked, choked, choked on the runway and got harshly critiqued. Then, the girls were dropped off in the desert, told to stand next to a flaming car and look defeated, but hot. Heather, who had not taken her criticism well, looked defeated and warm, but definitely not hot. See evidence below:


She sort of looks like she's checking the tires, which might be what you expect of an autistic girl when the car is on fire. Damn. That night, Heather took it from the judges too, but didn't go home. Instead, she went to China with the rest of the ladies.

The next week, in China, the girls had to do this dumb Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon ninja posing on flying wires. Bianca, our Heather's nemesis skank- who is also very pretty, flipped out and couldn't do it because of her "trust issues." Give me a break. Heather, however, did well and won the challenge. To share her shopping spree prize, she chose Chantal (uppity) to go with her. Basically it was 500 bucks in the cheap looking markets around their hotel. Hmpf.

Then, the girls had to do their Cover Girl commercials and photo shoot. The thing I hate about this challenge every season is that the lines they have to deliver are so frickin' dumb. This year, the tag line was "Every woman is a queen." To that I say, "Pffffffffft!" They didn't hear me and went ahead with the dumb commercial. No one did well, but two gals, Lisa (stripper) cried all the way through, and Heather (autistic girl) couldn't deliver a single line and made faces at each flub. Her photo shoot went okay, but not great. The picture kind of reminds me of the scene in Adamms Family Values when Wednesday creaks out a smile after watching Disney videos as punishment- a little creepy, a little pretty. See for yourself:

Like I said, not convincing. Anyway, judging was harsh for all the girls, but Lisa and Heather landed in the bottom two. Lisa went home because she was just losing it under all the pressure. Sad, because next to Heather, she was the prettiest girl in the competition.

This week, the girls had to venture out on "go-sees", where, as the name implies, they go see designers to try to get booked in shows. There were 5 designers and 6 hour in which to complete the task. Most girls got in 3 go-sees. Heather, spent 3 hours wandering the street in front of the correct building, before "finding" the designer. The next 3 hours were spent finding her car. She arrived 40 minutes late, and was disqualified along with two other contestants.

The photo challenge this week was to stand out among a Chinese New Year celebration. Most of the girls did okay except two. Heather was sort of lifeless, but took a great picture. Jenah (bucktooth Daisy Mae) just sort of blended in to the background and pissed off the photographer (judge Nigel Barker) with her "humor". Both were in the bottom two, but Heather went home, because, as Nigel put it- "She doesn't make the camera focus on her, the camera just sort of finds this pretty thing and takes a picture of it." A pretty damn good picture, I might add.

So, that's the end of the Heather story. I will probably follow the rest of the season and harshly criticize the remaining contestants, since I'm not rooting for any of them. Hmmmpff.

America's Next Top Model: Week 8

Okay. So, this was sort of Heather's (autistic girl) week again. The other models are catching on to the fact that despite her disability, she is a real threat to win the competition. The camera LOVES this girl as you'll see.
So, the week started off pretty silly. The girls, in beige unitards (not flattering), worked with Tyra on being sexy but not hoochie for video. They worked on the video essentials: crawling, sliding down a wall and back up again, and walking fiercely. You know, this could be why the family videos from Christmas are so boring. We don't do enough crawling and sliding down walls, or walking fiercely for that matter. Maybe we'll work on that this holiday season- "Dad, work that lefse while sliding down the wall!" or "Aunt Liz, get on the counter and give me that seductive crawl from the meatballs to the salads!" I think this might just work.
Anyway, the gals got a big surprise when they were taken to shoot a music video with Enrique Iglesias. They were supposed to be vampiresses in an underground (sex) club, all of them with an eye for Enrique. Most of the girls did well except Chantal, who all episode was saying things like 'God gave me this face and this body for a reason' and being all uppity, and Sarah (fattie), who was very stiff and self-conscious in her see-through number.
Who did well? Well, of course, our Heather (autistic girl) looked fabulous.

In this clip, she is the vampiress standing on the right of the doorway whose arm lingers on Enrique, then gets a close-up. Is she not fabulous??? Okay, so it wasn't so fabulous a little later, when her eyes rolled back in her head from exhaustion and dehydration and she got all clammy and sweaty. That wasn't so pretty, but that didn't matter when it came to judging.

So the judging was pretty favorable overall. Lisa (stripper) did a great job in the video and came in first. Heather, always fabulous, came in second. Sarah (fattie) and Chantal (uppity) came in as the bottom two. Chantal was read the riot act for being boring and non-committal in the video, while Sarah was again chided for not being as fat as she was when she started the competition. In the end, Sarah was eliminated, which just goes to show that there is no place in the modeling world for normal size women. You have to be bone skinny or chubby. I'm shattered. Okay, maybe not so much.

America's Next Top Model- Week 5

Just look at Heather (autistic girl) below. Pretty, pretty Heather. Unfortunately, this was not Heather's best week ever, but I still love her and am inspired. She started off badly by sitting around with the other gals offering her opinion of everyone's weak spots. Bad form. I think she may have been making an attempt at adapting to the loathsome social norms of the top model dream house. She does not need to go there.

The first exercise this week was to go to a gym and strike poses while bouncing on a long trampoline. Benny Ninja, voguing legend (we'll get to that later), was the posing coach. Many of the girls did reasonably well at this exercise, some were complete spazzes. Then there was Heather (autistic girl). She was alone in her total spastic universe. Fortunately, she had a good sense of humor about it, as she does most things. However, when she watches the show, she will realize that she looked like a brain damaged chimpanzee throwing itself against a wall. Not so fun to watch.

Next the ladies had to use what they learned on the trampoline by posing and expressing an emotion while being lifted by a professional figure skater... on the ice! Yes!! Most of the girls had never seen ice, except in their cocktails, let alone been on skates. There were varying degrees of success. Monique posed well, but her "sorrow" was expressed in a big pouty lip. I covered my eyes. Skater man didn't even attempt to lift Sarah (fattie) over his head. She did okay on the posing though. Then came Heather (autistic girl). It was tragic. I don't think she is accustomed to a lot of touch from strangers, and may have been afraid of the ice. Let's just summarize her performance with the image of the chimpanzee set forth in the previous paragraph. Lisa (stripper) won the challenge. She has low self esteem and needed the boost.

The judging challenge was to pose up on the roof of a building and be a high fashion gargoyle. Yup. You read it right. Anyway, most of the girls did well considering how lame the idea was. However, Ambriel (musical theater major) was terrified of heights and it showed. Sarah (fattie) apparently didn't know what a gargoyle was and instead posed as a hamburger waitress or something. Heather, as you can see below, was again gorgeous.

When it came to judging, our lovely autistic girl got harshly critiqued by the judges for never looking at the camera, but instead offering only profile shots. Beautiful shots, but profile. As a result, she didn't register in the top three. Sarah (fattie hamburger waitress) should have been eliminated for her lame picture but wasn't. Crime. Instead, Janet (pretty athlete type) was sent packing. Sad.

Okay, so the Benny Ninja, voguing legend, business. What the hell? Curt and I can barely watch this guy. He takes his "craft" of posing/voguing so seriously that it embarrasses us. Oh, and wait, didn't voguing become terminally uncool the very moment that Madonna did it? When a middle aged white woman, no matter how pretty or rich, co-opts a piece of an underground black gay subculture and broadcasts it to the masses, it is not just sad, but over. Over, Benny.

America's Next Top Model- Week 4

Oh how I love this stupid show! Yes, there are about 50 other more productive things I can do with my time. Will I do them? Uh-uh. Not while this show is on. Oh no.


It was makeover week in which the girls trade in their old drab selves for something slightly less drab, usually in the form of a new hair color and cut. Selisha, who had beautiful long hair, got a blunt Cleopatra meets Dorothy Hamil hair cut, which was, in my humble opinion, a real dog of a hair cut. Bianca, with the hoochie red and black hair, was supposed to get a blond weave. However as they started combing out her hair, it started breaking off in chunks. The stylists basically scrapped the plan and cut all her hair off. Wa la! She went from hoochie girl to fabulous with just a clipper and a bucket of tears. Sarah (fattie) went from long brown hair to short sassy blond. (More on her later.) Heather (autistic girl) hardly needed a makeover at all. They only trimmed off a couple inches and added highlights. Most of the makeovers looked great. Only one ended up looking like a bucktooth Daisy Mae. I don't know how it happened, but it did.

Sarah (fattie) started out the night on a high note, by winning the Cover Girl makeup challenge. Go fattie! Next the girls were out on their photo shoot, in which they had to become a plant- most girls got flowers, but Heather (autistic girl) was the weed. Uh, did she nail it? Oh yeah. See for yourself.

Overall, Heather (autistic girl) came in 3rd in the judging. Tyra was all crusty nasty and critical with the other girls, but she loves Heather (autistic girl). Okay, so here is where it gets good. Sarah (fattie), who I've always said wasn't fat enough to be a fattie but is compared to the other porcelain worshippers, was critiqued rather harshly by the judges for doing what? LOSING WEIGHT! Yes, Sarah (fattie) has lost weight and the judges don't think it has done her any favors. All fatties cheer!! I think she's lost some of her thigh fat and maybe some back fat. So she really is just blending in. No fun. Have a sandwich, Sarah (fattie).
So, all in all, another great week drinking from the shallow pond at 7:00 p.m. on Wednesdays. And I'll say it again. I love Heather (autistic girl). Go autistic girl go!

America's Next Top Model Week 3 Update

This is Heather (autistic girl)!! She had another great week, coming in 2nd in the overall judging. I love this girl. Not only is she mildly autistic, she has an incredible sense of self awareness and works hard to overcome her disability. Go, autistic girl, go!

Next week, the ladies get their big makeovers. I LOVE THIS EPISODE! There are always several girls who get their hair completely chopped off. Even though they usually end up looking fabulous, they cry about it, then whine about it for the rest of the season. Their whining is usually one of the reasons they get sent home. You would think that the contestants would have learned something from past seasons, but, no. I love it.

Wednesday Evening

The storm blew through- literally, trees flapping in the wind and leaves going everywhere- lots of loud lightning and thunder. And, thank (Deity name here), we didn't lose power, which means that:

WE GOT TO WATCH AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!!!

Okay, that's not the only reason I was desperate for the power to stay on, but it was in the top 10.

My observations:

1. Young women (and maybe older ones too, somebody please advise) are MEAN, MEAN, MEAN to each other. Holy crap. I don't recall young men being that mean to each other, unless of course, you are the nelly gay boy next door, then you get the crap beaten out of you.

2. The autistic girl, Heather, whom I will refer to going forward as Heather (autistic girl) didn't seem to have as bad a computer neck this week, which is good, but was awkward with the other contestants. And what did the other contestants do? Talked smack about her within ear shot. Hags.

3. When it came time for judging, the girl who told Heather (autistic girl) she should have tried harder during the photo shoot, got a little figurative bitch slap from the judges. Heather (autistic girl) took a fabulous photo and came in first. Critical hag came in about 7th. Go, autistic Heather, go!

4. Why is Miss Jay dressing as a boy this season? We liked his girl clothes better.

ANTM Did Not Disappoint!

Oh, I completely forgot to update the blog after watching America's Next Top Model. This show never lets me down. Not only do they say and do some of the most mental things, they also have just enough good photography to keep it interesting, if you like that sort of thing.

This week was a recap of the auditions and selection of the final group of young ladies who will compete for the coveted(?) title of ANTM. Highlights:\

1. One gal was a brainiac type from Yale. She was asked why she wanted to be in the competition. She said something like "Because I am a strong, smart, confident woman like the rest of the finalists." Mr. Jay asked her this, "So being from Yale, you must think that the rest of these girls are pretty stupid." To which she responded, "No....okay, well, yeah, a lot of them." I love this girl already.

2. Another gal was a professional waxer. Tyra asked her to show her how she does it. So, the gal had Tyra get up on the judging table on all fours with her butt in the air and proceeded to simulate a wax. Miss Jay looked horrified at the giant ass in his face, but maintained some composure. When the girl left the room, Tyra said, "Any girl who can give me a simulated kitty cat wax is alright with me." The girl made it to the final group. Amazing.

3. Tyra was stumped as to what to do with one of the finalists who wasn't big enough to be a plus size model and wasn't small enough to be a high fashion model. Mr. Jay finally suggested calling her a real size model and asked what would be so wrong with that. Tyra loved the idea as though it was the first time a thought like that had entered her head and hence forth wanted to be known as a real size model. In truth, she's plus size, but I'm not telling her.

4. One of the finalists has Asperger's syndrome- a mild form of Autism- and not only is socially awkward (to put it mildly), she also has computer neck and walks with her neck stuck out about a foot in front of her. She's a really nice gal though and we were rooting for her. So when it came time to take her pictures, Curt and I were thinking "Oh shit. Here comes the disaster." However, right on cue, she took a fabulous photo. Now, if she can learn to stand up straight, she might go far as long as she doesn't have to talk. GO AUTISTIC GIRL GO! We will be rooting for her!

What Do You Think?

One of my favorite comedians is Kathy Griffin. She, in my opinion, would be the ultimate party guest. Lately, she's in the news for her Emmy speech which is below:

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Suck it, Jesus. This award is my god now."

So, everyone in the country is going nuts on her. She got censored when the show aired. Christian groups are flipping out and taking out full page ads in USA Today. What the hell??

First of all, I thought this was hilarious. She was being flip and outrageous which are her trademarks. There is nothing in her statement that bashes Christianity. It might be borderline offensive to tell someone's diety to suck it, but have a sense of humor people. I personally believe that if dieties exist, they have a sense of humor about themselves. After all, they're just sitting on their asses watching the world go by anyway, so they should have some entertainment.

Second, obviously this is not polite tea talk, but is it wrong to talk about what you don't believe? Yeah, it mocked the folks that were up there thanking Jesus for everything, but so what? Listen to that hog Bill O'Reilly on Fox to hear mocking of my beliefs. I know he is a stupid hog, so I'm not wasting my money on a full page ad or stamp for that matter. If a neo-pagan got up and thanked a pantheon of gods by name, wouldn't Christians have gone just as crazy? Screw their intolerance, double standards and hypocrisy. Oh, and suck it, (insert your favorite diety name here).

So Exciting

I'm not made of plastic, I just look like it.

Only one more day until our guiltiest of guilty pleasures premieres:

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

This is the show where Tyra Banks and her panel of judges say things like:

"Modeling is the hardest job in the world."

"Suzie, when the stylist was pulling your hair out in chunks and you cried, that wasn't very modelesque."

I LOVE IT when they say things like that!