Sunday, December 5, 2010

I Embark On a New Career: Advice Columnist

 In response to my last post, I got an inquiry from a high school student about how to deal with a "situation" involving a girl.  I think it worthy to answer this as a separate post.  Youngsters, if you have any inquiries yourself, please post them in the comments or e-mail me (ask and I shall provide my e-mail.)

Disclaimer:  I am not a licensed therapist, social worker, psychiatrist.  My advice is take it or leave it in nature.  I am a middle aged chubby gay man with no particular credentials except a lifetime of observation and failed relationships before the one I'm in now which has been almost 12 years.  I may be crass and cranky in my responses, but I am right.  Don't forget it.  Okay then.

Dear Tower of Knowledge:  (okay, I added that myself, but it's my blog.)

My best friend is a girl and I have told her all these things many, many times. She recently got over this one guy who myself, and many other friends have told her seems like an "ass-hole."  However, she doesn't seem to listen. She also constantly "falls in love" with guys and gets rejected, then I pick up the mess.

So, any advise that might get me to change her mind about this guy.
P.S. We're in High School. She's a little crazy. Not in a bad way.

Sincerely yours-

Dearest Chris-

You are a great friend to have been honest with this girl about the state of her past boyfriend's assholism (not an official diagnosis, but should be).  You are also a great friend to, as you say, "pick up the mess"-  and by "mess" I may be thinking your girl friend, but don't tell her that.

So here's some thoughts:

1.  Your friend may be a world class drama queen.  This is not a bad thing in high school because these girls will occasionally do some crazy-fun-make-memories-for-a-lifetime-shit. It just isn't a lifestyle choice that one should stick with beyond high school.  After high school, this behavior gets prescribed medication or gets one in to a sorority, both of which should be avoided.  So the deal may be that she picks guys who are going to reject her, so that she can bask in the excitement of her drama around the rejection- all the while looking sad and dejected but secretly loving it.  She's a great actress I'm guessing. 

She also probably LOVES the attention that you give her while cleaning up the emotional mess.   As her friend, you don't always have to pick up the mess (her).  Instead, you can tell her that you observe this pattern of behavior, that you're spending a lot of time supporting her and that you would have a lot more fun together if she just put dating boys on hold so you can enjoy life before you have to go out and get jobs and pay bills and reproduce and be tied to children for the rest of your lives.  (Yes, adulthood has its drawbacks.)  Being a drama queen, she will probably make a scene, but you've said your piece.  Then, the next time she comes to you after being rejected, all you need to say is "Hey, Chickiebawana, we've talked about this.  Now, do you want to go have some fun doing something else?"  If she says "No, I'm too sad," go have fun without her.  She will eventually follow along.

2.  It could be that your friend is filling a hole in her life.  Her life, I said.  She may be getting that hole filled too, but we're not going there.  Who knows what goes on in people's homes?  I used to compare myself constantly to kids that I thought had a way better life than my own, only to find out in adulthood that they had alcoholic, rejecting parents who looked good on the surface but were miserable turds as parents.  So, that's a long way of saying that she might be trying to date these boys to play the role of an absentee father or something.  If this is the case, she needs to find a healthier alternative.  First she needs to recognize the problem, then figure out a way to get the hole filled (hee hee.  I can't even say it without laughing) in a healthier way than getting rejected constantly.  Can she see that getting rejected by boys might be similar to getting rejected by her dad? 
So, again, it is way more important to have fun now while you are both young.  Why all the seriousness about relationships when you're under 25?  Blech.

Now, on a more serious note-  you said that you and several of her other friends told her the boy she was dating had assholism.  This girl may need to be observed closely in her dating relationships.  If she is pining over an asshole who rejected her, odds are she would have stayed with that asshole through even worse behavior on his part.  So, here is what I'm going to say and you MUST take it seriously.  If you ever hear that a boy she's dating has hit her (even once), been sexually abusive with her (gone too far when she said no) or even has been loudly verbally abusive with her, you go right to her parents, a school guidance counselor, your pastor, a trusted teacher and you SPILL ALL THE BEANS TO THEM ABOUT THIS BEHAVIOR!  No questions.  That shit can't happen to anyone and if you stand by while she gets knocked around, raped or emotionally tortured, you are as guilty is the abuser.  I say this because it sounds like your friend has a little low self esteem and wouldn't know for herself when enough is enough.

There you have it, Chris.  Thanks for listening.

Yours truly-
Tower of Knowledge


Nancy said...

I love reading your blog! I came across it just browsing the site and I am a follower now. The stuff you have to say is so honest.

I agree with the advice you gave Chirs, and I also (unfortunately) can relate to this girl with trying to fill the hole in her life (haha). If she is trying to replace an absentee male figure, and she doesn't see it there is probably little that Chris can do to make her see it. I am now 23 and a single mother, and I am JUST NOW starting to realize the patterns to my behaviors. I too had friends in HS who told me that the guy at the time suffered from an extreme case of assholism and I ignored them. It seems that this girl does too, and there is nothing but experience that will teach her otherwise. She has to see the error of her ways, but lucky for her it sounds like she has some great friends standing by willing to help where they can.

Sorry for my long comment. Thanks again for your blog, it is a great read!

Mnmom said...

I will now make your blog required reading for my girls.
Your stand on "no serious relationships" while in HS is spot on!! Go, have fun, run, read, learn, laugh! Having a serious boyfriend is not a HS requirement nor is it a good idea when you can barely balance a checkbook or have a civil conversation with your parents.

BentonQuest said...

Again, great blog! You have got to be the cool, gay, uncle!

Coaster Punchman said...

I am so writing you for advice next time I have a problem.