I Love a Small Town Festival

You know I do.

I also like to add my commentary to the goings-on in hopes that an event organizer will take notes and include a few gays in the planning next year, just to spruce things up a bit. You know how that is. Everything can benefit from a few gays in the planning process.

This weekend's festival was Minong Summer Days in the bustling village of Minong, WI, population 552.

The day started with a $5 pancake and sausage breakfast at the village hall that was to benefit the Northwoods High class of 2011. Wouldn't you know it though that there were only 2 high school students in sight? Instead the class of 2011 let their mothers do all the work. My message to the class of 2011: Get your lazy asses out of bed on a Saturday morning and come to your own damn benefit! Sheesh!
Breakfast was followed by watching the softball and volleyball tournaments until the parade began. I believe all day there were more people leaning over the back of the bleachers than sitting on them. It was odd. Is sitting too much of a commitment?
We also observed several varieties of wildlife. Let me show you:

This coyote puppy was really cute. Okay, he's a 10 week old Pomeranian, but who's paying attention?

Someone left the chickens out and they went wild apparently- wearing pants and drinking beer at 10 a.m.
This young buck was seen wandering through downtown Minong throughout the day. He was being stalked by some old cougars, if you know what I mean.

The Parade
The parade was, well, a bit disappointing. On the plus side, it was short, there were few politicians, there was LOTS of candy throwing and Sasquatch made an appearance. No really, he did. On the down side, there were no marching bands, no "royalty" and festooned ATVs substituted as floats. Again, they need a few gays to encourage the right behavior and to get a few waving queens in the mix. Here are some "high"lights:

You have to have your firefighters and you have to applaud when they go by. Otherwise, they will let your house burn to the ground. It's true. They take names.

There were lots of little twirlers in this group who were headed in the right direction. They wore sequins, smiled a little and actually had some rhythm. This little girl will probably be naturally skinny all her life. Is it wrong to resent such a person? No. I don't think so.
I said Sasquatch was there and I meant it. Minong is home to Jack Link's Beef Jerky enterprises. So naturally (?) Sasquatch was throwing out beef jerky and t-shirts. He's scary enough looking that many children cried. I will advise Jack Link NOT to create a Disneyfied Sasquatch for next years parade. There is NOTHING wrong with exposing children to terrifying things that throw beef treats at them. If anything, it sharpens their fight or flight response, which when faced with a real Sasquatch will benefit them, don't you think?

'T'ain't a Wisconsin parade without a whole mess of ATVs. These took the place of horses at this parade. And while they didn't poop and pee on the street, they did emit fumes that are toxic for those of us who breathe and harmful to the environment. So, I guess they are about even with horses then.
These little future gay haters of America were allowed a spot in the parade despite my vocal protests and spitting. Okay, I didn't do that. But, you know the damn boy scouts are virtually owned by the fecking Mormons, who, by the way are apparently the new keepers of family values in this great nation of ours (hey thanks for Prop 8, bitches) as they sit in their celestial underpants and feel accepted by Focus on the Family. Well, get real, Brigham Young, they are only in bed with you for your money. Only believing in James Dobson as your personal savior will get you saved.
Okay, I'll stop holding up this float and let the little bastards pass.

You all know there is a load of bat shit crazy riding around on this ATV. Angel collector, really? Are those the missing children she has limed and rotting under her floorboards? I wish I had a big gong, because I would have gonged her right out of the parade.

In Wisconsin, there are machines for which the purpose is unknown to normal people.

There is nothing like crazy old women to lighten the mood. Now THIS is a float. Take notes everyone. All you need is a hay wagon or a modified pontoon trailer, some shiny stuff, a little crazy and some big bags of candy to toss and you have a float.

Hula bears also create a nice sense of wonder and humor. The people sitting in lawn chairs in front of the bear without much to do, not so much.

Okay. Click on this one to blow it up. This is the fabled "Beauty by Trudee" float. There is not a good haircut on the damn thing and there is an ape on top, among other strange contradictions. So confusing. So confusing.

The parade was followed by a short trip home to play in the water, then BINGO! Curt won the first round and Marina won in the third. We left shortly thereafter because we feared the crowd would turn on us.

And that, my friends is Minong Summer Days.