Friday, June 27, 2008

Tough Week on the Dad Front

This was a tough week for dealing with the loss of my dad. I think I might be in the "denial" phase of grief since I feel compelled to look at my dad's on-line obituary at least 5 times a day, maybe just to confirm that it did happen. It was a little shocking that my dad's name fell off the obituary list in the Decorah paper. I guess it's been almost a month, but I'm still thinking that his name should be there. He's not the only one in town who died, I know, but it sure feels like it.

I'm also going through the same thing I did when my mom died- sort of expecting that people either instinctively know that my dad died recently or just wanting more people to acknowledge it or something. I can remember clearly when my mom died, standing in the Casey's convenience store with a crabby clerk and thinking to myself "Why are you being so awful? Can't you see what's happened?" And of course, she couldn't, but I wanted her to be a little kinder at least. I'm still getting questions from folks at work I don't know real well about how my "vacation" at the beginning of the month was. And, I'm irritated with one reasonably close co-worker who experienced a similar loss that hasn't acknowledged mine. It's so damn irrational and selfish because I'm guessing he didn't read the employee intranet to find out, so I'm not being pissy with him or anything.

Two co-workers were diagnosed with cancer this week- one with Hodgkins Lymphoma and the other with ovarian cancer. I'm pretty close with the one who has ovarian cancer, so the news hit me pretty hard. I think C, the benevolent, was also hit pretty hard since her husband died of Hodgkins Lymphoma at age 30. That was years ago, but of course, she was thrown. Rationally, I know that these two women are not dying, nor even close, but the whole shadow has appeared that needs fighting and, selfishly, it brings up my own grief and fears. I hate that they and their families are having to go through this.


janban said...

This week has been extremely difficult for me too. I don't know if its that things are slowing down at home or if the reality of it all is finally sinking in. Lots of tears and sadness.
I'll see you tomorrow probably around 2 pm. Let me know if you want any of that jam/jelly.

Mnmom said...

Man, I know exactly what you're talking about. I would see people shopping, gassing up, and generally going about their business and I felt irrationally irritated that normal life could just "go on" while my heart was breaking.

MG - I feel I have ignored you through this too and I'm so sorry. But I think of you so often, and want to take a day away from my crazy life to drive up to GV, bring you cookies, and walk with you.

I still haven't taken my Dad off my email list, and it's been almost 10 years.

Cheesecake Maven said...

It really does get better, but you have to go through all of this first. I know it hurts, but soon you'll be back up in the ankle-deep water watching it lap up against your heels. Then, before you know it, you'll be back on dry sand again and watching the turbulent seas from a more comfortable distance. See you on Friday!