Can't Say I Don't Have a Hot Ass

My beloved Pilates instructor Annie recently moved on to greener pastures. Not death- the ultimate green pasture I suppose if you play your cards right- no she moved on to a studio where she could actually make some money. Who can blame her? So, the gym hired this new guy to cover Tuesday & Thursday classes. My sense about this guy is that he is a personal trainer who attended a few weekend seminars to get certified then calls himself a Pilates instructor. I just don't get the sense he did Pilates before getting certified, because he can't articulate about alignment and which muscle groups should be engaged like someone who's been practicing for a while. Not to rip on him, but, you know, he's just not Annie, Pilates goddess.
Anyway, the guy teaches a version of Pilates called Peak Pilates. Its faster paced and more vigorous than the Pilates we were previously doing. This isn't bad, but it goes so fast that I'm not sure I'm engaging the right muscle groups before starting the movements and fear injury. Oh, and let's not forget the increased sweating. I used to sweat in class, but now I drip sweat. My legs get so sweaty that I can barely hold on to them in our "tree" exercise. My hands just slide right down my legs. Crazy sexy, I know.
So, last night at the end of class, the instructor had us all come to the wall for a final spine & hamstring stretch. The wall though happens to be a mirror. We were instructed to keep our tailbones on the mirror while rolling our spine down slowly until our hands hung over our feet, circle our arms in both directions then roll back up. Ah. It felt great. I was all calm and relaxed as I stepped away from the mirror to go clean up my reformer. Then, horror of horrors, I turn back to look at the mirror to find a GIANT, STEAMY, SWEATY ASS PRINT on the mirror. Not just the outline of the ass but CRACK and everything. I was mortified- as I'm sure were the other dainty flowers who take the class with me. I debated, do I see how quickly it will evaporate or do I rush to get a towel to wipe it off, which might smear the mirror? What to do? What to do? I chose option two and dove on a stack of towels and rushed to the mirror to wipe of the hideous imprint of my ass. Will the indignities ever cease?

Whole New Me- Update

Oh, boy. I have been seriously remiss in updating my Whole New Me adventures. So here's the quick scoop. I set a goal of losing 15 lbs in 12 weeks. As of the last trip to the livestock scale I had lost about 11 lbs. We have our final weigh-in next Friday. I'm not so hopeful to lose the remaining 4 lbs mostly because we've just been through 6 weeks from Thanksgiving to the New Year when my world has been filled with treats and I have been filled with treat lust. I did much better than in year's past, but have really only held steady on my weight. Even though I probably won't hit my weight loss goal, I've made great strides in my overall fitness. Here's proof:

1. I sweat. No, I didn't start the program as a dainty thing who only perspired. I just didn't sweat during workouts. Apparently the body's ability to keep itself cool improves as one's fitness improves. Now I can soak a t-shirt and get my socks pretty wet. This is nothing compared to our instructor Bethany who looks as though she has been under a hose at the end of a workout. It's a little grotesque, but she's really cool, so there's some balance.

2. I don't feel the need to nap after work any more. I thought I was just getting old. Nope. I was (am) fat and was seriously un-fit (not in the way Britney Spears is unfit- poor girl, what a mess). Now I can actually take on some plans in the evening. Sweet.

3. I can run a little bit now. Though at higher rates of speed the jiggling of blubber and man boobs flopping around in all directions can frighten children and some delicate adults, I can RUN. (To real runners, it still may appear to be a jog, but to me it is a run. Let me have my moment, okay?) I used to run years ago when I was skinny, but never thought I could run at this weight. Love it.

4. Heart function improvement. It is way harder to get near my anaerobic threshold than when I started the program and wildly faster to recover. This is cool no matter how you look at it.

Whole New Me: Weekly Update

Alas there is still no Whole New Me yet. *sigh* However, I am feeling a lot more hopeful after a week in the new Team Weight Loss program. The diet piece has been going pretty well. I'm now on an individually customized dietary exchange program that is more balanced than any approach I've tried before. So, I get to eat a real egg (1 protein, 1 fat) as part of breakfast, which I've denied myself for years. Sweet. I've also met a cool woman who's name is Shanita, a fellow IT geek- very interesting, highly motivated and would be fun at a party. So, anyway, here is the weekly update:

Man boobs: Still there; have been doing some weights so they feel a little firmer underneath their "boobness"

Spare tire(s): Still there, however, my pants buttoned just a hair easier yesterday. It's probably a combination of muscle toning and a little weight loss, but I'll take it.

Big ass: Still there, but firmer and seems to be carrying itself a little higher

Back fat: Still there; looks like boobs if I bend at the right angle so, no noticeable change

Weight loss: I think I might be down about 2 lbs on the home scale. We only do official weigh-ins on weeks 1,3,6,9,12, so I'll let you know.

Some day we need to uncover the reason that all female personal trainers are named Lindsay, Bethany or Danielle. Do they change their names like strippers who are all Amber?

A Whole New Me!

So, I completely made up the title. *sigh* However, I did sign up for program at the gym this weekend that started tonight. The name is Team Weight Loss and is a combination of exercise, nutrition and education. It's a 12 week program where 8 of us theoretically support each other through the program to meet our goals. Why did I do this?

1. My waist size (starts with a 4) is now to the point that if I go one size up, all manufacturers assume that I have a 28 or 30 inch inseam. Have they never seen a tall fat guy?? If there was a Lane Bryant for men, I would shop there, but I will not go in to a big and tall shop for men.
2. I have man boobs that only go away if I pull my shoulders way back and arch my back in an uncomfortable way that is unpleasant to look at and sort of says "Anyone for some leche?"
3. I am tired all the time and have little energy to anything but wake up and go to work, then lounge in the evenings.
4. I have ZERO self control around eating things that I see- especially in candy jars that are strategically placed through all 16 floors of our office building.
5. I don't really even see fat on other people, but I'm really conscious of my own. I don't intend to be bone skinny, but I do want to get down around 200 lbs.

Each week, I am going to post my progress here. If I am losing weight, I don't want any praise, but if I'm not, I want shame. LOTS OF SHAME. Being raised Lutheran, this works. Start practicing now.

So, here is my before picture. I don't expect I'll look much different after losing some weight, maybe just a little saggier with a happier disposition.