Waaaaaaa!

I'm home sick from work today with a horrid sore throat and sinus thang. I hate being sick and am a big baby about it. Waaaaa!

What Is Happening To Me?

I am late on two America's Next Top Model updates. I haven't even seen the tape of this week's episode. What is going on? Does it mean I'm becoming less shallow and beginning to seek a deeper purpose for my life? Uh, no. Look for them later this weekend.

The Votes Are In

.... and you picked American Slices In Celophane (what the?), followed by a two way tie for Cheez Whiz and Hickory Farms Cheddar Spread. The only virtue that I recall of American Cheese slices is that they bubble nicely under a broiler as a tuna and toast topper. Can you think of any others? Think of me in the dairy aisle next time you roll past the winner.
On a cheese related note, I spent the day with MNMom and family yesterday, where I encountered a fabulous stinky cheese ball concocted of blue cheese and chopped olives. The coolest part was that one of her 13 year old twin girls had requested it and made it herself. Teenage girls with an appreciation for stinky cheese- a beautiful thing really.

Hey, At Least I Beat the Guy on Crutches

Last night at my Team Weight Loss class, one of the team members mentioned that she was going to run the 18th Annual Turkey Day 5K today and invited me along. I am not a runner, especially not at this weight, but I've always been intrigued by the idea of running a 5K- not a big deal for most, but for me, something.

So, this morning, I get to the Target Center at 7:30, get registered and start getting warmed up when the phone rings. It is my teammate bailing on me. Grrrrrr. For a moment, I considered bailing myself, but decided to go for it.

I ran the first two miles without stopping, walked two blocks, ran three, walked three, then finished running. My time: a lightning fast 40:01. Woo hoo. A little faster than a brisk walk. I did beat the guy on crutches (really, he was there), and I beat my pace vehicle (a plump 60 year old woman in purple tights) by about 20 yards. Sa-weet!

Next: Reindeer Run 5K on December 1. That race my whole class is doing, not just the bail-out woman from today.

How Good Has Your Day Been If You Haven't Bitch Slapped Someone?

If MNMom were a teacher, I would take a class from her so I could get easy assignments like this one. (She is, but I don't have enough B.O. or ciggy smell to be in her class.) She has tagg-ed (say it with two syllables for more fun) me with listing only 10 things that people do that make we want to slap them. Hold on everyone, this is going to go by fast.
1. Developing, or worse- stealing, a catch phrase, or gesture and overusing it. Slap!
2. Kicking the back of my seat in the movie theater. Slap!
3. Anyone stopping in front of me in the pencil thin isles at Trader Joe's. Slap!
4. Driving the wrong direction in an angled parking lot, even though the arrow is there to guide you, not to mention the direction of the cars. Slap! Slap!
5. Pondering choices at the salad bar while making decision noises. Slap!
6. Using of the non-word "irregardless." Slap!
7. Dressing young girls in suggestive clothing with the word "foxy" or "hottie" bedazzled on the front. Then, dressing like your children. Slap! Slap! Slap!
8. Merging at the very last minute. Slap! Slap!
9. Driving erratically while talking on your cell phone. Slap!
10. Interrupting me in a way that lets me know they haven't even started listening. Slap!

You Mean It Happened AGAIN?? What??!?

There's nothing like a good old fashioned church sex scandal to make me feel all warm inside. When is Jesus just going to come on down and flick some of his followers off the planet like crusty nasal pickings? Can't happen soon enough.

Ten Songs I Never Want to Hear Again

Lately, I've been hearing songs (mostly at the gym) that are so horrible or over exposed that I want to scream. As you may know, they also get stuck in my head. Really ugly.
Here are ten songs I really want go the rest of my life without hearing again:

1. Celebrate..... Kool and the Gang
2. You Light Up My Life..... Debbie Boone
3. The (mother @#$!#*&!) Macarena..... Los Del Rio
4. All Night Long.... Lionel Richie
5. Candle in the Wind ..... Elton John
6. Any Michael Jackson song where is says "shamon" or whatever the hell he's saying
7. Red Red Wine..... UB40
8. Achy Breaky Heart ..... Billy Ray Cyrus
9. We Built This City on Rock and Roll..... Jefferson Starship
10. Evergreen ..... Barbra Streisand

Hmmm. I think I'm going to tag some folks here, though I warn you that if I see anything by Stevie Nicks on your lists, I'll be a little hurt. Tag to: Ben Bob, Melinda June, MNMom, Kirelimel, and how about that crafty Madame Leiderhosen. I'm also tagging ScottJ, even though his blog is political and maybe just a bit too high brow to mention Muskrat Love or some other horror.

Decompression... breathe, breathe, breathe

I've been decompressing all afternoon from another stressful trip to see my dad. He's 80, has had a stroke that slightly affected his mobility, is diabetic and doesn't pay attention to it, is a tightwad to the point that he makes bad choices for himself even though he has lots of money, is mostly deaf and would rather have us yell than wear his hearing aid, has a vocabulary that would embarrass a sailor, is convinced that he can drive even though he has no peripheral vision and has cataracts, and, to top it off, is unreasonable to the point that any idea other than his own is bad until he comes to the same conclusion 10 minutes later then announces his great new idea- formerly my own. It makes for stressful, unpleasant time spent with him. And still, I have affection for him, even though he and I have never had a lot to talk about. I gained a lot of respect for him while my mother was ill, and saw him suffer deeply after she died. So, it is hard, when he is being a shit- which is most of the time- to be patient and not want to throttle him. Even though we have it out about his health and choices, I try to leave on a positive note, but it is damn hard. *sigh*
For anyone who ever wants to experience the fun with me, here's an offer you can't refuse: if you ever want to hear the words Jesus Christ uttered frequently outside a church, come see my dad. Just about every other sentence starts with these words, and he's not saying a prayer, I assure you.

Your Opinions Please

I've decided to start polling my small readership on issues that are important to me. The first topic is cheese. Please contribute to my non-scientific study at right.

America's Next Top Model: Week 8

Okay. So, this was sort of Heather's (autistic girl) week again. The other models are catching on to the fact that despite her disability, she is a real threat to win the competition. The camera LOVES this girl as you'll see.
So, the week started off pretty silly. The girls, in beige unitards (not flattering), worked with Tyra on being sexy but not hoochie for video. They worked on the video essentials: crawling, sliding down a wall and back up again, and walking fiercely. You know, this could be why the family videos from Christmas are so boring. We don't do enough crawling and sliding down walls, or walking fiercely for that matter. Maybe we'll work on that this holiday season- "Dad, work that lefse while sliding down the wall!" or "Aunt Liz, get on the counter and give me that seductive crawl from the meatballs to the salads!" I think this might just work.
Anyway, the gals got a big surprise when they were taken to shoot a music video with Enrique Iglesias. They were supposed to be vampiresses in an underground (sex) club, all of them with an eye for Enrique. Most of the girls did well except Chantal, who all episode was saying things like 'God gave me this face and this body for a reason' and being all uppity, and Sarah (fattie), who was very stiff and self-conscious in her see-through number.
Who did well? Well, of course, our Heather (autistic girl) looked fabulous.

In this clip, she is the vampiress standing on the right of the doorway whose arm lingers on Enrique, then gets a close-up. Is she not fabulous??? Okay, so it wasn't so fabulous a little later, when her eyes rolled back in her head from exhaustion and dehydration and she got all clammy and sweaty. That wasn't so pretty, but that didn't matter when it came to judging.

So the judging was pretty favorable overall. Lisa (stripper) did a great job in the video and came in first. Heather, always fabulous, came in second. Sarah (fattie) and Chantal (uppity) came in as the bottom two. Chantal was read the riot act for being boring and non-committal in the video, while Sarah was again chided for not being as fat as she was when she started the competition. In the end, Sarah was eliminated, which just goes to show that there is no place in the modeling world for normal size women. You have to be bone skinny or chubby. I'm shattered. Okay, maybe not so much.

Shake Your Thang While Cleaning

I took the day off today to clean and run errands for a little event we're having tomorrow afternoon. If you know me at all, you know it takes a lot of motivation for me to clean. Having a few tunes on helps. A while back I made a house cleaning CD and pulled it out to help me along today. Here are some of the tunes:

1. Ain't Nobody..... Chaka Kahn
2. Summer of Love..... B-52's
3. Everybody Everybody..... Black Box
4. Don't Want to Fall In Love.....Jane Child
5. Pleasure Principle..... Janet Jackson
6. Intuition..... Jewel
7. Shine ...... Cyndi Lauper
8. Big Time Sensuality ..... Bjork
9. Perfect Kiss ..... New Order

Back to cleaning. If I had a Chaka Kahn wig, I would be wearing it about now. Love her.

These Attorneys Don't Look So Bad

Generally, I don't care much for attorneys, mostly just personal injury litigators who take up so much late night commercial air space, but this particular batch doesn't look so intimidating. I think I also see a MNMom nephew in there somewhere. Aren't they cute?

This is So Messed Up

I'm rarely without something to say, but I just can't think of what it might be after reading this story. There are things about this that are very wrong on many levels here, the least of which is parents allowing tiny children to eat their toys.

Whole New Me: Update #2

I've been a little slow on the weekly updates, my apologies. This Team Weight Loss program thing is time consuming- 7 p.m. on Monday , Wednesday and Friday. Holy crap! I have also been taking some introductory classes on the Pilates Reformer machines so I can take group classes later. Work, eat, gym, sleep. That sucks. I"m even arriving late to a dinner at Curt's sister's house on Friday because of this program. Crazy.

So here is my official update:
Weight loss: Six pounds.
Man boobs: Still there. Less bouncy, not in my lap anymore when I sit.
Spare tire(s): Still there. I'm sort of between my old notch and a new notch on my belt. This is hopeful.
Big ass: Still big but firmer.
Back fat: Still there but seems to have shrunk a little. Holding out hope.

Song Stuck in My Head v.1

Getting songs forever stuck in my head happens so frequently and is so annoying to me that I thought I had best share it with the world. It can happen to good songs. Or, as is the case tonight, with really horrid songs.
I've been singing the following song in my head and out loud for the last 90 minutes after hearing it in the background at the gym:

"I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany

This one is so bad that I can see the video in my head. Won't you please join me in singing this musical atrocity.

The Reverend Fred Phelps Takes It In The Ass

... or at least took it in the ass figuratively on Friday when a federal court in Baltimore awarded $10.9 million to the father of a fallen soldier, whose funeral the Phelps family had picketed with anti-gay messages. The soldier wasn't gay, but the Phelps family believes that God is punishing the U.S. for its tolerance of gays and lesbians. Recently many states have passed laws against protests at funerals, specifically for this clan of lunatics. (Funny that no one paid attention for the past almost 20 years that they've picketed the funerals of dead gay men. Hmmmm).
If you don't know the Phelps clan from Kansas, these are the folks probably most (in)famous for protesting the funeral of Matthew Shepard. I became familiar with them back in the late 80's / early 90's when they first surfaced at the funerals of gay men who had died of AIDS complications.
Aside from all of this is the fact a jury reached a verdict here that didn't attempt to restrict hate speech. Rather the verdict was based on the argument that the Phelps clan invaded the privacy of the mourning family and intentionally inflicted pain on the family. This will be very interesting to follow as the appeals play out. I would also be curious to find out if the pain inflicted would have been perceived as less if the protests were only anti-war protests and not anti-gay protests. Lots going on in my head about this right now, but mostly just glad Fred Phelps and his clan are feeling a little discomfort about now.

Could You Say No To These Faces??

Look who is fresh from the groomer and looking cute and smelling delicious. It's Louis (right) and Claire (left)!

Salad Bar Lady

This little peeve has been on my mind since Tuesday, so I thought I better write it away. So, there is this woman at work, I don't know her name, but after a couple of trips with her to the salad bar, she's a little hard to forget. The problem is getting in line behind her. I've come to accept that Lutherans, in general, are really slow at a salad bar, just a cultural thing I guess, but, this woman is a champion. She's not old or dumb or physically slowed down in any way. She's just irritating. Here is what she does:

1. She grabs her to go container, then spends a full 30 seconds pondering the vast assortment of greens to choose from- spring mix, iceberg or spinach- during which she makes choosing noises. You know- "oh, hmmmmm, gosh"- or any combination.
2. Then we get to the prepared salads (pasta salads, popcorn salad- another story in itself, cottage cheese) and the veggies (broccoli, carrots, etc.). This is when she stops. Her jaw drops slightly as if overwhelmed by the selection. She reaches for a spoon in the cottage cheese, says "no" outloud, and retracts her hand. She reaches for the tongs in the cauliflower, looks troubled, and retracts her hand. This goes on for another 30 -45 seconds before she chooses basically a single baby carrot and a teaspoon of pasta salad. I already hate her at this point.
3. Now we get to the meat and misc toppings. Here she makes noises of surprise "Oh gosh, wow, mmmmmm" as though she has just seen everything now that there's cubed ham before her. Here she spends less time choosing and goes right for the meat, moves forward to the croutons, stops, backs up and says excuse me as she goes for the turkey, gets past the turkey to the goldfish crackers, backs up again and grabs the croutons. You get the picture.

I've been behind her several times before. So, Tuesday, I stood back and watched this go on for about 30 seconds then rather abruptly cruised around her to the dressings. She noticed and looked at me with sort of a hurt look on her face. I don't have much of a poker face, so I don't know what my face might have looked like at that point, but I do know that I clenched my ass really tight just to distract myself from opening my big mouth. Maybe I'm being harsh, peevish and impatient. (Well, I know I'm peevish and impatient.) And maybe, to give the benefit of the doubt, the trip to the salad bar is the only joy she gets of her day. But, damn.
Okay, I feel better. Thanks for listening. Whew.

Bleeping Computer!

I can't believe it. I got a frickin' virus even through my two routers, firewall and virus protection. Sort of like getting pregnant on the pill, I guess. (Pay attention teenage girls and boys!) A sinking feeling in either case. Actually, I was infected with what seems to be a yet unnamed virus that is all the talk on the techie message boards for the last 3 weeks. Glad, I guess, to be among the first. So, here's what the nasty thing did to me:

1. Took away all administrator rights related to anything resembling security, software removal, security updates, reporting virus information, etc.
2. Shut down my firewall and opened me up to all manner of malware. So, by the time I gave up, I had identified at least 15 different viruses and worms.
3. Once the damage was removed, I thought, I would reboot and the process would start all over again. Frickin' frackin' thing! AARRGGH!

After 3 evenings totalling about 18 hours of trying to repair the damage and about $125 spent on fixes, I ended up having to do a full system restore, wiping away everything to start fresh. I hate having to do that. I had to do it on a system before this one and just about cried. Fortunately, I had my 1500+ digital pictures backed up on my laptop and all my tunes on my iPod. Whew. Everything else can be reloaded if I can find the disks. There is hope in the darkest of times.