Men Are Hogs

I'm going to betray my own gender. Men are hogs. All you have to do is look in the men's restrooms at my work to prove this statement true.

1. You know when someone drops a Skittle and says "5 second rule" then picks it up and pops in in their mouth? You wouldn't do that if you spent just a moment looking at the floor below the urinals in the men's room. Urine EVERYWHERE. The amount urine that must get carried to the carpets on shoes is appalling. We're all professionals in nice clothes. Aim! Aim! Aim!

2. What is it that I see on the stall wall facing the toilet? Oh, yes. They're boogers. Yup. Boogers. Today in the 7th floor men's room, I counted 6 boogers flicked on to the facing wall and one on the side wall of the stall. WTF?? You picked your nose on the toilet and with all that toilet paper right there in which to deposit your pickings, you choose to flick it on the wall? No frickin' way.

3. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hello?" You don't expect a lot of conversation in the bathroom, but the fine art of talking on your cell phone on the toilet is classy, classy, classy. Who the hell answers the phone while pinching a loaf and while the urinals and toilets are flushing all around you? Who is it so critically important that you need to answer the phone while pooping? And if they're so important, does it demonstrate some special level of commitment to them when they hear the grunting and flushing? Sheesh. Let it go to voice mail already.

4. Don't shake hands with a man. Just don't. Most men either don't wash their hands at all, or they do the quick soapless rinse on their way out of the bathroom. Nasty. Really nasty. At my last job, we had this hot looking former MN Twins baseball player named Scott Leius who came into the office to sell software. All the chicas and this chico loved to say hi and shake his hand when he came into the office. That is until I was in the restroom one day washing my hands (with soap, thank you) when he emerged from a stall and walked right out of the restroom. Talk about someone going from hot to hideous in one swift motion. Scott, if you're reading this- wash your wealthy hands, you pig.

5. IF you have rinsed or washed your hands and used a paper towel, don't throw it on the floor. The mouth of the waste bin is long AND wide. You would have to be seriously myopic to miss this particular receptacle. Pick it up and try again. We are all well paid professionals. Though hitting the receptacle is not part of your performance appraisal, it is all a skill we should hone. Squeal like a pig. You are one.