Monday, December 22, 2008

Crappy Christmas Gift Challenge

The MNMom has issued a challenge to post a thing or things we would consider a crappy Christmas gift. Okay. I can do that.

#1: Fantasy "Art"

I just plain hate this shit. If anyone were to ever buy me a piece of fantasy "art" and think they were my friend, they would be mistaken. This one sucks because of all the bubbles and frickin' wings attached to everything and the blissed out look on their faces and the little red girl's Laura Ingalls Wilder bonnet bullshit. This just sucks on all levels. The only things that could make it worse: a castle, a dragon, a dolphin and some chick with big boobs and a sword. Now if this were painted as a joke, I could laugh along, but someone probably looks at this thing every day and finds some spiritual contentment. I'm sick just thinking about it.

#2: Novelty gifts

This sad thing is Billy Bob the Singing Bass who sings "Take Me To The River". Someone gave this to my dad as a novelty gift one year. (If it was one of my sibling readers, my apologies for what I'm about to say.) It was amusing for one button push when the fish would flop around on the board and move it's mouth to the music. However, at family gatherings, after the grandchildren had pressed the little red button to make the damn thing flop around for the 100th time (no exaggeration), I wanted to stomp on the thing. This would have scared the grandchildren so I refrained, but I really, really wanted to stomp it out of its existence. The only remotely amusing novelty gift my dad ever received was a remote control farting machine that he once taped to the bottom of a chair to confuse his visitors.

#3: Games that help you relate to one another on a deeper level

Little makes me crankier than forced bonding. These cards were brought out at a friends house once when a group was over (Dear friend- I don't think you're a reader, but I am sorry for what I'm about to say if you are. I know you'll forgive me because you know what a cranky old fart I am and love me for it.) We were supposed to pick a card and tell a story about it and then the next person would do the same and it was supposed to reveal insights about you to the group so they could understand you better. Wretch! And look at the cards for god's sake- there are two people dancing in unitards and a clown. A clown! You think I'm going to enjoy this game if there's a CLOWN?? Read the complete bullshit that the makers of the cards have on their web site:
These beautiful cards are designed to increase intuition, imagination, insight and communication. Around the world people are using these unique cards to reclaim their sense of self and their sense of place in this universe. The OH Cards were created to put you in touch with yourself and with those around you.
I mean really, could you just about puke??
Merry Christmas, all! I know if I receive any of these gifts that you do indeed hate me.


Dale said...

Intuitively, I imagine you'd have more insight in the fantasy art if it was in the form of an elaborate string art project. I also imagine you choking me with that fish now. Curious.

Scott J. said...

Y'know, I look at that "art" and it's like the world threw up in my mouth, a little.