When You're Feeling Down...

Yes, my friends, when you're feeling low, turn to sandwiches. Sandwiches are far more satisfying than turning to, hmmmm, oh yeah, drugs, um, excessive masturbation, uh, Jesus. Once you're a sandwich junkie, I'll show the the myriad arrangements for displaying your sandwiches from the inside back cover of this 50-cent estate sale find.

Look What I Dug Up

I just came across a folder full of old photo booth pictures from during and a few years after college. I LOVED photo booths.

In January 1990, I had just broken up with a boyfriend and was feeling quite low. Instead of sitting on my bum, moping around, I decided to invite a group of friends over to help me celebrate my 24th birthday. I could have been bitter and focused on my break up, but I decided to focus on makeup. The theme of the party was Making Up Is Hard to Do. So to create my low budget invites, I hopped into a photo booth at Calhoun Square with some makeup and Lee press-on nails and produced these. Frightening, no?

Medical Quackery: South of the Border Style

This, my friends, is a thing of beauty. Click on the picture to read. I picked this up off a literature table while we were in Puerto Vallarta. Baby animal organs under the skin. Sweet.

Hooray for Tilda!

I have been in love with Tilda Swinton since I first saw her in the film version of Virginia Woolf's 'Orlando.' She is an absolutely gorgeous, androgynous freak of nature and I am thrilled that she got recognized with an Oscar for her work in Michael Clayton. With any luck we'll get to see more of her as a result of this. Go, Tilda! Woo hoooo!

Better Late Than Never

So, I know that I'm about 5 years too late in making this recommendation, but here it is anyway. I just finished an amazing book that many of you have probably already read. For those who haven't, take this recommendation and buy the book today. (You can even peel off the Oprah's book club sticker on the cover. I hate that thing.) Middlesex: A Novel by Jeffrey Eugenides is one of those rare reads that captivates you from the first words to the last. It is a brilliantly executed blend of self discovery and 80 years of family narrative. Go get this book now.

ANTM: Top Model Academy

Uh oh. The first week of America's Next Top Model didn't really produce any real hopefuls for me. Typically, there are 1 or 2 that stand out. Not so much this week. Oh, wait, there were two that stood out for the wrong reasons.
1. Fatima:
Fatima is from Somalia and thinks she looks like Iman. Oh no she doesn't. She also immediately took on all the other black girls and called them all ghetto- not the friendly, cool ghetto, but the "I hate your ghetto ass" ghetto. In my white, middle-aged, gay suburban opinion, some of them were a little ghetto, but not so much that I would have had to point it out. So far, Fatima is a bit of a beee-yotch.
So in the very next scene, she goes before the casting panel and puts on a big fat weep fest at meeting Tyra Banks. Then she tells the panel that in Somalia at age 7 she underwent female circumcision. Okay, Fatima, just suck all the fun right out of the room. Kidding. I've read a lot about female genital mutilation and it is horrifying. That said, I think Fatima was working it a little. Just saying.

2. Marvita

Marvita, pictured below, looks like Chris Rock, who, the last time I checked, was not supermodel material. He is pleasant to look at and his wit makes him attractive, but could he hold his own against Naomi Campbell in a thong contest? No. So, what makes Tyra Banks think that Marvita, could be a supermodel? Not only is she Chris Rock, she comes to the competition with serious baggage that causes her to threaten people's lives and say some really dumb shit. For example, Fatima came back from the casting panel and told the entire room of girls that she was previously berating about being ghetto, that she had been circumcised. All the other girls, recognizing the horror that Fatima had been through gathered around to give support. Marvita, on the other hand, let the first words out of her mouth be "So do you feel like less of a woman?" Somehow, I suspect this gal won't be anyone's Cover Girl.

This Will Make You Cringe

Deer: Pretty? Yes. Tasty? Yes. Sexy? Just read the story. I'm telling you, Wisconsin has produced some really strange ones.

It's February 20, 2008....

...and you all know what that means...

America's Next Top Model, Season 10!!!! Can you believe it?

I'm going to try to keep the ol' blog up to date with all the goings on, at least until all my favorite contestants get eliminated. I'm so excited!

I Heart Midori and Her Saucy Wait Staff

My employee C and I went for lunch today at Midori's Floating World. I love Midori. Though she can sometimes be a little Zen about her rolling, which makes me a little impatient and really hungry, she makes some of the best rolls in town. The Number 9 roll is to die for- tempura shrimp, avocado and salmon. Yummy. And, now that we've discovered the saucy flower Ian, our lovely waiter (see picture), the trip to Midori's is even more lovely. I suspect he too will enjoy seeing mention of himself in the old blog. So, here are some reasons that saucy flower Ian is a great waiter:

1. He brings us warm towels even though Midori doesn't like to do that for the lunch crowd.

2. He is timely with the hot water for tea.

3. He takes no guff. For instance, today we complained that it was cold in the restaurant. He said that was because it is really cold outside. No nonsense. This is good.

4. He offered to rub our feet when we complained that our feet were cold. He didn't mean it, but it was a nice gesture anyway.

5. He gave us a big huge serving of green tea ice cream to share.

6. He traded in our red mints for green mints, and gave me an extra one for the road because my birthday was two weeks ago. (Don't get the impression we're high maintenance or anything.)

C bought lunch today . I didn't see the tip she gave him but I hope it was adequate to make up for our bellyaching about the cold. We're going back on Friday to send off a co-worker, but sadly the saucy flower won't be there.

Curiosity

Saturday night, Curt and I went to a little Szechuan restaurant called the Tea House before going to see a movie. At the table next to us, a curious phenomenon happened that I've observed before and continue to be puzzled about. The wait staff all spoke perfect English, but each of them seemed to have some degree of accent remaining, typical of someone who, at one time, was a non-native English speaker. So, when it came time to order, one of the otherwise normal gentlemen at the table next to us began to order in a voice that mimicked the accent of the waiter and was a few decibels higher than it should have been. I don't think he was trying to be disrespectful. I think he was actually trying to be helpful. Ever run into this before? It seems odd to me. I also wonder what the waiter thought of it. Hmmmmm.

Right Here in Minnesota

This is sweet. A Minnesota couple has been married for 83 years. Holy smokes! That is a lot of years together. I would be curious to see what annoying habits they tolerated from each other for that long- never asking directions, farting in bed- and if, after all these years, it still gets their goat.

A Valentine for Senator Larry Craig

"Who me? A homo?"

On Valentine's Day, Senator Larry Craig (aka- Larry "I Get It On In the John" Craig) received a censure from the Senate ethics committee, comprised of 3 Democrats & 3 Republicans, for his behavior following his arrest in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. CLASSY! YES! Here's the article. The ethics committee hit the nail on the head in their assessment of Craig's behavior. I'm pleased, but I must admit it seems a bit like a good election year ploy to 1. Point out the naughty closeted homosexual and 2. Run like hell from the naughty closeted homosexual. That said, the most stunning part to me is that Craig, not surprisingly, remains in complete indignant denial.

Stuck in My Head v3

The only person more susceptible to getting songs stuck in his head than me is my partner Curt. We're both horrible in this regard. A single word or short phrase in a sentence will generate some musical reference and then it's all over- we're singing it or rehashing it in our heads all night. For example, the other day someone used the phrase "if you want to" in a sentence at work. Can you guess which song popped into my melon? If you guessed "Safety Dance" you were correct. There are advantages to having a partner more susceptible to musical torture than me. When Curt gets fixated on a song and sings parts of it over and over and over and over and it is a song I don't like, I can change the station, so to speak, to something I like- usually Stevie Nicks. On many occasions, I have switched Curt to singing 'Edge of Seventeen' or 'Stand Back' just by quietly humming it in the background. Fun.
So anyway, we come home from work yesterday, I settle in to read e-mails while Curt is in the kitchen. Suddenly, I hear something so terrifying issuing forth from Curt that I think it might be a deranged request for euthanasia. He must have seen something in the fridge that set this off. Here, my friends, is the song he was singing loudly with "la" as the only word, that then got stuck in my head until we started watching our movie. Sadly, I woke up with it stuck in my head. This truly sucks. Don't hurt me.

Good Flick

Curt and I just finished a fun little flick called Driving Lessons. I'll watch anything with Laura Linney in it. She did not disappoint. Julie Walters is a scream and Rupert Grint (think friend to 'Arry Potah) did a great job. Here's a trailer:

Lunch Talk

Today, my employee C and I went to lunch at Rainbow- a pretty good Chinese joint in south Minneapolis. C loves seeing mention of herself on my blog, so she won't mind if I tell you what we talked about over lunch:

1. A lumpectomy she had at age 19 and the appearance of the fibrous tumor the size of a golfball that the doctor removed.
2. Embarrassing medical exams
3. Having a girlfriend's husband as the anaesthesiologist during a hoo-hoo surgery
4. Hemorrhoids
5. Removing six feet of gauze from her brother's post surgical cyst on his tailbone
6. Squeezing sebaceous cysts
7. Poop snakes at the Fairmont mall

All this while eating. C is very well educated, highly articulate, wildly talented, and well read. But, there's something about leaving the stress of office behind that apparently brings out the disgusting side in both of us. I knew the potential for this was there before I hired her. It wasn't why I hired her, but it didn't hurt.

Evil Game Update

Yes, I have been playing Boggle online instead of blogging. 282 games later at 2 minutes each (you do the math on how many hours that comes to), I am losing my mind. I even lost some sleep the other night because I went to bed rehashing all sorts of strange word combinations in my head. So sad really. Through all this, I did find a way to feel better about myself and my game playing habits- THIS. Check out the number of games the top ten have played. Oh yeah, I'm sane by comparison. Thank you very much.

Uh oh. Three Hours of My Life Gone In A Flash

Crap. I looked up and its three hours later. Here is what I was doing:

Wordtwist

This is basically a free online Boggle game. My eyes are crossed. My hands are worn out from typing fast for 3 hours. Oh god. I'm a junkie.

Who Is Your Candidate?

This came to me via e-mail today- a quick way to see what presidential candidate you most align with on the major issues.

Presidential Candidate Quiz

My results, in order of alignment, are:

Hillary Clinton (51 pts)

Barack Obama (48 pts)

Mike Gravel (45 pts- WHO IS THIS?)

Ron Paul (18 pts)

Mitt Romney (10 pts- Bye, Mitt!)

John McCain (7 pts)

Mike Huckabee (5 pts- Suck it, Mike.)

Stuck in My Head v2

At last, a great song, stuck in my oversized melon! This one entered the melon on the way to the gym and hasn't left since. To all those who had tall hair and a morose little attitude for no reason in the 80's, this one is for you!

Never The Twain Shall Meet, Or At Least They Shouldn't

Over on The Cheesecake Maven's blog, there was some discussion of "teenage thespians." (Poor Maven. She lived through a whole day of it.) MNMom chimed in that there few worse phrases with the exception of perhaps "christian teenage thespians." I concur. I also offered up some of my least favorite word pairings, words that when used together make my skin crawl. Here they are plus one more:

Clown Ministry- Clowns / mimes give me homicidal thoughts. Throw in some parables being acted out to hambone music and I'm a madman. Anyone from Luther remember this? Those kids were creepy in and out of their makeup.

Liturgical Dance- Church is long enough without people leaping around in leotards with ribbons, or worse, writhing around in one of those stretchy body sacks. Oops. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Sorry.

Gay Republican- I've met some of these, and like clowns, I want to hurt them. Enough said.

What are yours?

Bad Lazy Americans

Hey, that's me!! Last night was Minnesota caucus night. It was anticipated that there would be record turnouts and there were. Early balloting was to start at 6:30 with the actual caucusing starting at 8:00. So, Curt and I left the house at 6:15 for the 5 minute drive to our caucus location with the idea that we would cast our ballot and leave. Well, apparently, every other Democrat had the same idea. Our caucus location was in a middle school, with a small parking lot (how many 12 year olds are driving to school, right?) and on a dead end street. Oh boy, that was some good planning. Anyway, the traffic was backed up for over a mile in each direction to get in to the school. We waited for several minutes with zero movement, turned around and headed home, feeling a bit ashamed at not participating in our citizen duties. We felt only slightly better about ourselves when we saw a news report showing the crosstown highway backed up for miles in each direction to get to the caucus at the Edina high school. Perhaps I'm just plain lazy, but shouldn't it be easier to participate in the process? *sigh*

It's the underdog! Hooray!

I like it when the underdog wins, as was the case in tonight's superbowl. Eli Manning could use a lesson in not mouth breathing, but otherwise an admirable chap.
Did anyone see any outstanding commercials? The only one I liked, and I can't remember the car they were selling or maybe it was tires, was the one in which a driver was out at night, swerves to avoid hitting a deer, then swerves to avoid hitting Alice Cooper snake handling in the middle of the road, then sees Richard Simmons in the road sweatin' to the oldies, speeds up momentarily then thinks better of it and narrowly avoids hitting him. Made me smile.

The Perfect Sunday Update

Just once I want to go to the esthiologist and have her say "Good job. No extractions necessary." That day was not today. I needed a few extractions on my nose, which I expected, but still. Despite my flaws, the facial was exceptional and I left for my massage all aglow and looking 20 years younger. Okay, maybe 20 minutes younger, but who's counting?
The massage was another story all together. When I scheduled the appointment, I asked for a good deep tissue therapist, but got Joanna instead. Joanna not only was making it up as she went, she talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. It didn't matter that I just quit responding or that I indicated I would really just like to relax and not say much. Typically, I'm much more direct, but she indicated very early on that after 30 years of bad jobs she had now found her true calling and was doing her dream job, and I just couldn't find the courage to say "Excuse me, but could you shut your pie hole?" I know every job she's had, how old her kids are, what they're doing, every town they've lived in AND why she became a massage therapist. Why, you ask? To meet all kinds of nice people. Actually, Joanna, you, in particular, don't really meet people. They meet you.
After my massage, I went to the place where all your troubles just melt away- Super Target- and now I'm all better. The end.

The Perfect Saturday

Yesterday was the perfect Saturday. I don't think I've had a perfect Saturday since the farmer's market closed for the season. Oh wait, those were Sundays. So it really has been a long time since I've had a perfect Saturday.

Anyway, after a rough night of sleep, I hooked up with MNMom and her 14 year old twins Jean and Marie at Southdale Mall. We did girly things like shop for makeup. Jean got a makeover, but didn't look nearly as trashy as I wanted her to look. She looked very classy and understated, and above all, age appropriate, which flew in the face of my trailer park instincts. Some day there will be blue eyeshadow and cherry red lipstick. It just wasn't yesterday. I went to the Origins counter and bought a skin care set from the Plantidote Mega-Mushroom line. I love this stuff- smaller pores, less puffiness, less redness. It doesn't enhance my inner beauty, but that's not what matters, right? (hee hee)

We took a break from vanity to head to Midori's Floating World, my favorite sushi spot. Thankfully it wasn't very busy, because Midori is the only sushi chef in the place and is very zen about her work. Now, I've always liked Margaret's twins because they have opinions and they like stinky cheese. Yesterday, I added another reason to love them- they can put away sushi with the best of them. For the four of us, we ordered 7 rolls, 16 nigiri and a lovely flower of salmon sashimi. Speaking of lovely and delicate flowers, our saucy waiter Ian took the above picture with the second round of sushi. But, first he had to have his picture taken. I ask you, which flower below is more delicate?

After Midori's, we went back to Southdale for more shopping fun. Jean and I went to the beauty parlor and got haricuts. She got a cute blond bob. I got a short messy looking do. We then sat down for coffee and horrified the girls with 80's fashion talk. MNMom described her leotard, shiny lycra tights and legwarmers for aerobics classes, while I described my mint green loose knit cotton sweater with matching mint green slouch socks. As Mindy would say, "HAWT!" When the gals were sufficiently horrified, we shopped for shoes and housewares and parted company. The perfect Saturday.

But wait! There's more. Curt and I had reservations at Kincaid's to celebrate my birthday. We ordered the world's best calamari (has asian five spice, red peppers and a hot plum sauce), a thai inspired peanut-veggie-noodle salad, and each had a 10oz filet mignon which was to die for. Now, it is worth noting that everywhere we go, Curt knows somebody. Even out of state and out of country. It is wierd. Anyway, Curt said hi in the lobby to one of the waiters he knew from his days in the late 80's as a waiter. So, just after our appetizer, this waiter stops buy and asks us if we have any coupons. We said no and he proceeded to drop a buy one entree get one entree free coupon on our table. Instantly, my $36 filet was free! My birthday AND cheap? How could it get any better? It did. Our cute waiter brought over a big portion of the ultimate signature gay dessert- creme brulee- with a little candle in it for my birthday. Tasty.

So there you have the perfect Saturday. Today, I embark on the perfect winter Sunday, with a facial at 10 and a massage at 11. Hooray!

Off for an education

MNMom sent me a text message this morning and I had to call her back and admit... I don't know how to text message. *GASP* She was horrified. I reminded her that she had a set of teenage twins in the house and all I had are dogs and another 40 something man without a cell phone. We're not a high-likelihood-of-texting household.
So, to remedy the situation, MNMom and her twins are meeting me in about an hour for lunch and some texting education. I'll let you know how it goes. TTFN my BFFs.

Know me. Love me.

Hooray! Another tag from Melinda June.

Four jobs I have had in my life
1. Bowling alley attendant
2. Bankruptcy servicing for defaulted student loans
3. Production control analyst
4. Business management analyst

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Muriel's Wedding
2. Love Actually
3. Orlando
4. Any of the Harry Potter movies

Four places I have lived:
1. Decorah, Iowa
2. Iowa City, Iowa
3. Minneapolis, Minnesota
4. Golden Valley, Minnesota (10 miles from #3)

Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. America's Next Top Model
2. Top Chef
3. Project Runway
4. Kathy Griffin- My Life on the D List

Four Places I have been:
1. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
2. Puerto Rico
3. Belize
4. Costa Rica

Four of my favorite foods:
1. High quality sushi
2. Bacon Cheeseburger pizza from Godfathers
3. Anything at Kincaid's
4. Tie between DIll Pickle chips and Salt & Vinegar chips

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Reading in bed
2. At our timeshare in Puerto Vallarta with Curt
3. Collecting my Powerball lottery winnings
4. Getting my hands dirty in our garden

Four things I am looking forward to this year:
1. A democrat getting elected president (if not a dem, I could tolerate McCain)
2. Al Franken crushing Norm Coleman
3. Actually using the chaise lounges on our patio
4. Spending more time with friends